A farmer went into a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman sitting next to him at the counter said, “Well, how about that? I just ordered champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence,” the farmer responded. “This is a really special day for me, so I’m celebrating!”

“Well, this is a really special day for me too, so I’m celebrating as well,” the woman replied.

“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses in celebration the farmer asked, “What are you celebrating, mam?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a baby,” said the woman, “and my gynaecologist has just confirmed that I’m pregnant!”

“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. “I’m a chicken farmer and my hens were infertile all last year, but today they are all laying eggs!”

“Wow, that’s great!” said the woman. “So, how did your chickens suddenly become fertile?”

“I used a different cock,” replied the farmer.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass again and said, “What a coincidence!”

The teacher noticed that Johnny had been day dreaming for a long time.

She decided to get his attention.

“Johnny,” she said, “If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?”

“Thirty-four,” Johnny answered unhesitatingly.

The teacher replied “Well, that’s not far from my actual age. Tell me…how did you guess?”

“Oh, there’s nothing to it,” Johnny said.

“My big sister is seventeen and she’s only half-crazy.”

A young city biker walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD. Sturgis! He finally made it.

He had several items on his must-do list, and this tavern was one of them.

The chilli, he’d been told, was world-famous.

As he sits down at the bar, he notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chilli.

The young biker excitedly ordered a bowl, but was told,

“Sorry, just ran out.”

Disappointed, he orders a beer, wondering if he’d be able to come back on his way home.

After a few minutes of noticing the old biker still just sitting there, the newby rider bravely asks the old biker.

“If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?”

The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says.

“Nah, you go ahead.”

Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.

Eyes wide and gut-wrenching, he suddenly throws up the chilli back into the bowl.

The old biker quietly says.

“Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.”

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady’s teeth.

He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves.

“Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?” She said, “No?”

“Well”, he spoofed, “down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size.

Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’ and start the process all over again.”

And she didn’t laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, “I just suddenly thought about how they must make protection!”

 A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.

It was so far out, there was no electricity

When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

“Hit him again,” the 5-year-old said

“He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!”

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, “What good will pill do for him, Doctor?”

The doctor replied, “It won’t do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.”

After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs

Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, “Yes, yes but does she still have the hiccups?”

A guy goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

“Hi, is Hank home?” he asks.

“No, I’m sorry, he’s out running some errands,” she replies.

“Would you mind if I wait?” he asks.

“No, that would be fine. Come on in,” she says.

They go into the kitchen, sit down, and the guy says,

“You know, Laura, you have the most beautiful melons I’ve ever seen. I’ll give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.”

Laura thinks about it for a second and figures what the heck.

She opens her robe and lets him see one.

He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit a while longer and Ben says, “They really are so beautiful. I just have to see both of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see both of them together.”

Laura thinks about it and figures what the heck.

She opens her robe and gives Ben a nice long look.

He thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table and says,

“I really can’t wait any longer. Please tell Hank I stopped by,” and leaves.

A short while later, Hank arrives home and Laura greets him at the door.

“Your friend Ben stopped by to see you,” she says.

Hanks thinks for a moment and asks, “Did he happen to drop off the two hundred bucks he owes me?”