While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive.

The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope’s authority.

So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them.

As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: “Who is in the limo, the mayor?”

The policeman told him: “No, someone more important than the mayor.”

Then the chief asked “Is it the governor?”

The policeman answered: “No, someone more important than the governor.”

The chief finally asked: “Is it the President?”

The policeman answered: “No, someone even more important than the President.”

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: “Now who is more important than the President?!”

The policeman calmly wispered: “I’ll put it to you this way chief. I don’t know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur.”

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, “It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her.”

Adam answered, “Yes Lord, but what is a ‘kiss?’ ”

So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, “Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.”

And the Lord replied, “Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I’d like you to caress Eve.”

And Adam said, “What is a ‘caress?'” So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, “Lord, that was even better than the kiss.”

And the Lord said, “You’ve done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve.”

And Adam asked, “What is ‘make love’ Lord?'”

So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, “Lord, what is a ‘headache?'”

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.

As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 35,”he replied. “I’m actually 47,” the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonald’s for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.

He replied, “Oh, you look about 29.” “I am actually 47!” she said, feeling really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.

He replied, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going.

But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman’s age.

If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age.”

There was no one around, so the woman said, “What the hell?” and let him slip his hand up her skirt.

After feeling around for a while, the old man said, “OK, You are 47.”

Stunned, the woman said, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”

The old man replied, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”

 

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Man power tablets in his son’s medicine cabinet.

He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said “I don’t think you should take one; they’re very strong and very expensive.”

“How much?” asked Grandpa. $10.00 a pill answered the son.

“I don’t care,” said Grandpa, “I’d like to try one, and I’ll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill.”

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow.

He said to Grandpa, “I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.”

“I know,” said Grandpa.

“The hundred is from Grandma.”

A bus driver was plying his regular driving route when an old lady got on the bus and sat behind the driver,

For every ten minutes into the ride, She kept asking the driver a question.

The first ten minutes into the ride, the old woman piped up and asked the driver,

“Have we reached Falls Creek yet, sonny?”

Turning to the woman, the driver replied that they were yet to get to Falls Creek, and whenever they got there, he was going to inform her.

As the hours passed,

The old woman kept asking if they had gotten to Falls Creek, and it was beginning to get on the nerves of the driver.

The driver got frustrated with the constant badgering and could not help but give a sigh of relief when a little town came in view.

Eager to drop the woman and get done with the questioning, he slammed his legs on the brake, pulled over and called out to the woman saying:

“This is where you get out, lady.”

The old woman asked if it was indeed Falls Creek, and the driver replied in the affirmative and yelled at the woman to get out.

Smiling at his answer, the woman explained sweetly that she was not getting down at Falls Creek as her final stop was the town ahead.

Confused at her answer,

The driver wanted to know why she kept badgering him, and she said,

“It’s just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill.”

A woman came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find her 5-year old son waiting for her at the door.

Son: “Mommy, may I ask you a question?”

Mom: “Yeah sure, what it is?” replied the woman.

Son: “Mommy, how much do you make an hour?”

Mom: “That's none of your business

Why do you ask such a thing?” the woman said angrily.

Son: “I just want to know

Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?”

Mom: “If you must know, I make $20 an hour.”

Son: “Oh,” the little boy replied, with his head down.

Son: “Mommy, may I please borrow $5?”

The mother was furious, “If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed

Think about why you are being so selfish

I don't work hard everyday for such childish frivolities.”

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door…

The woman sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions

How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the woman had calmed down, and started to think:

Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $5 and he really didn't ask for money very often.The woman went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.

“Are you asleep, son?” She asked.

“No Mommy, I'm awake,” replied the boy.

“I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier” said the woman

“It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you

Here's the $5 you asked for.”

The little boy sat straight up, smiling

“Oh, thank you Mommy!” he yelled

Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.

The woman saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his mother.

“Why do you want more money if you already have some?” the mother grumbled.

“Because I didn't have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied.

“Mommy, I have $20 now

Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow

I would like to have dinner with you.”

The mother was crushed

She put her arms around her little son, and she begged for his forgiveness.

It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life

We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.

Beryl’s married life had not been a happy one, and sadly one day, she passed away.

Suddenly, she finds herself standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter.

“Hello, Beryl,” St Peter says, warmly. “You’ve done your best to lead a good and decent life, I know, so all I need is for you to spell one word correctly and you’ll be admitted to the kingdom of Heaven.”

“Right!” said Beryl. “And what word do I need to spell?”

“That word is love, Beryl,” St Peter responds. “Can you spell it for me?”

“Yes, of course,” said Beryl. “It’s L O V E.”

“Well done,” St Peter responds, “and welcome to the kingdom of Heaven.”

Beryl quickly settles into life in Heaven and finds a new sense of purpose in helping St Peter will his many duties.

St Peter begins to rely on her so much that one day, when he’s very busy, he asks her to deputize for him at the Pearly Gates, checking new arrivals.

As luck would have it, Beryl’s husband appears at the Pearly Gates whilst she’s on duty.

“Oh, it’s you,” says Beryl. “Well, I’ve got to tell you that you won’t be admitted to Heaven unless you can spell one word correctly for me. And you only get one chance to spell it perfectly.”

“Right!” says her husband. “And what word do I need to spell for you?”

“Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu” Beryl responds, smiling brightly.

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie’s lamp.

She picked it up and rubbed it.

Lo-and-behold a genie appeared.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, “Nope. Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So, what’ll it be?”

The woman didn’t hesitate.

She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.”

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m good, but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish.”

The woman thought for a minute.

She said, “Well, I’ve been trying to find the right husband. You know, one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, has a great sense of humor and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time and is faithful. That’s what I wish for. A good mate.”

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, “Let me see that map again.”