Jerry was an Iron Man champion who also owned a bar just off the Las Vegas Strip

Everyone in town knew that Jerry was the strongest man around and knowing that visitors to Las Vegas liked a bet, he used that to his advantage in attracting people into his bar.

On the counter, there was a big sign headlined Challenge Jerry. In the small print, it explained the bet was that anyone who could beat Jerry in a strongman challenge could win $1,000. The cost of the bet was $10.

In the challenge, Jerry would squeeze the juice from an orange into a glass. Once Jerry had squeezed the life out of the orange, challengers had to take the orange and see if they could squeeze any more juice from it.

Over the years truck drivers, lumberjacks, weightlifters and all sorts of tough guys had tried to beat Jerry in this challenge but, so far, no one had ever got the better of him.

One day a small, thin, weak-looking, middle-aged man with thinning hair and heavy-rimmed spectacles walked into the bar, slapped a $10 bill on the counter and said that he was willing to take up the challenge.

Everyone in the bar started laughing at the idea that this weak-looking, little man would have any chance of beating Jerry and walking out with the $1,000.

Jerry smiled at the man, picked up the $10 and said, “OK Buddy, you’ve got yourself a bet.”

He then picks up one of California’s finest and squeezes the juice out of it until the glass is almost full. What remained of the orange was then handed to the challenger.

The little man focused momentarily and then started squeezing as hard as he could with both hands. To everyone’s amazement, within seconds, half a dozen drops of juice dripped into the glass.

Jerry congratulated the man on his success and handed him $1,000.

“I’m impressed,” said Jerry. “What do you do for a living, buddy? I’m guessing you must be a lumberjack?”

“Oh no,” the man responded. “I work for the IRS.”

A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

“Now, class. Observe the worms closely,” said the teacher putting a worm first into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey.

It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.

“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the teacher asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”

A guy suffering from a miserable cold begs his doctor for relief.

The doctor prescribes pills. But after a week, the guy’s still sick.

So the doctor gives him a shot. But that doesn’t help his condition either.

“Okay, this is what I want you to do,” says the doctor on the guy’s third visit.

“Go home and take a hot bath. Then throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.”

“I’ll get pneumonia!” protests the patient.

“I know. That I can cure.”

The teacher asked the students to identify an animal whose name starts with the letter “K”.

Carl raised his hand and answered, “Kangaroo!”

“Very well”, the teacher said.

“What animal’s name begins with the letter “t”? Carl answered again, “Two Kangaroos!”

The teacher reprimanded the little boy for being gamey.

Then asks for other volunteers for his question, “What is the name of an animal that begins with letter “m”.

There was no response from the other kids.

So when Carl threw his right hand in the air, the teacher gave him a chance to recite.

“This better be correct, Carl.”

Carl smiles and whispers quietly, “Maybe a kangaroo?”

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”

The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.”

She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added,

“For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they’ll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, ‘Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.

‘The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.
Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, ‘OK, your Majesty, you may go in.

‘Dolly is outraged and asks, ‘What was that all about?

I show you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turn me down.
She pees into a toilet and she gets in!

‘Sorry, Dolly,’ says the Angel, ‘but even in Heaven, A Royal Flush beats a Pair. no matter how big they are.

A man and his wife check into a hotel

The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed when, suddenly, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.

Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager.

The manager says he’ll be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

“Look, lie here on the bed and you’ll be thrown right to the floor!”she tells him

So he lies down next to the wife, Just then the husband walks in.

“What,” he says, “are you doing here?!”

The manager calmly replies: “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”

One sunny day, two men were sitting in a pub drinking pints of lager, when one turned to the other and said: “You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I’m gonna go over there and talk to him”.

So, he went over to the man and tapped him on the shoulder. “Excuse me, sir,” he started. “But I noticed you look just like me!”

The second man turned around and said: “Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?”

“I’m from Brisbane,” the man said. Stunned, the second man said: “Me too! What street do you live on?”

“McCarthy Street.” The second man replied: “Me too! What number is it?”

The first man said: “162”. The second man replied in shock: “Me too! What are your parents’ names?”

“Bruce and Shannon!”

The second man was awestruck and said: “Mine too! This is unbelievable!”

So, they bought another round and continued talking as the bartenders changed shifts. The new bartender came in, walked up to his colleague and asked:

“What’s new today?”

“Oh, not much. The Murphy twins are drunk again.”