The first-grade teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name.

She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, “That’s a sheep!”

“That’s right!” said the teacher.

“How about THIS one?” she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts.

“That’s a lion!” answered a little boy.

“Right!” said the teacher.

Then she held up a picture of a deer.

No one volunteered an answer.

She tried to help.

“What does your mother call your father?”

Johnny said, “I know! That’s a lazy old goat!”

The three men were visiting a nude beach and it didn’t take long for them to start talking.

Two of the men looked very happy to be there, while the other man was a bit grumpy.

Naturally, their conversation quickly turned into a discussion about their own business.

“I’m working on it,” said the first smiling man.

“It’s a well-paying job, but the dress code is very formal and I have to wear a suit with a collar and tie every day.

So this is the perfect holiday for me.

I have the freedom to relax feeling completely unrestrained.”

The second man smiled and said: I’ll be there with you, man. I am a deep-sea diver and the wetsuit, lead boots and brass helmet often weigh me down.

Being on this beach is a real freedom for me.

The two men then looked at their unhappy friend and asked what he did for a living.

“I’m a pickpocket,” the man said, “and my therapist said I would benefit from a vacation where I wouldn’t have the opportunity to steal from people.”

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.

Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!”

The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying.

A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face.

She drops her pants and says,

“My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight .

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, “I don’t think you should take one Dad, they’re very strong and very expensive.”

“How much?” asked Grandpa.

“$10.00 a pill,” answered the son. “I don’t care,” said Grandpa, “I’d still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I’ll put the money under the pillow. “

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.

He called Grandpa and said, “I told you each pill was $10, not $110. “I know,” said Grandpa.

“The hundred is from Grandma!”

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads,

“Cheese Sandwich: $1.50; Chicken Sandwich: $2.50; Hand Job: $10.00.”

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, “Can I help you?”

“I was wondering,” whispers the man, “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”

“Yes,” she purrs,

“I am.”

The man replies, “Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!”

Jim, Bill and Mike are three friends who go for a walk in the countryside and come to a wide and raging river.

Naturally, they need to cross, but they have no idea how to make the crossing successfully.

Jim, as a believer in God, immediately prays to God. He published a guide titled “Please God give me the strength to cross this raging river.

Suddenly a POOF sound is heard and Jim’s arms and legs transform into powerful limbs, allowing him to swim across the river in less than an hour.

Seeing this, Bill also decides to pray. “Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this raging river easier than swimming”.

Suddenly a POOF is heard and Bill has a canoe in front of him, allowing him to paddle up the river in less than 30 minutes.

Mike, who has witnessed the events so far and seen how things are going, also decides to pray. “Oh God, please give me the strength, ability and intelligence to cross this raging river in the easiest way.”.

Suddenly a POOF sound is heard and Mike transforms into a woman. He checks his map, walks 100 meters along the river bank and crosses over the bridge.

Last week, I took some friends out to a brand new restaurant opened in our city. There I noticed that the waiter who took our order had a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When another waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff members had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve us soup, I asked, “Why the spoon?”

“Well, “he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen
Consulting to revamp all our processes. After many months of research, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. He states that 3 spoons are dropped every hour. If our employees are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 45 mins per shift.

As we were talking, luckily, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an additional trip to get it right now.” I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that each waiter had a similar string hanging from their flies. So before he left, I asked the waiter,

“Excuse me, I want to ask you about that string why is it there?”

“Oh, certainly!” Then he whispered, “Not everyone is so keen-eyed.”

and he continued, ” Remember that consulting firm, They also analyzed that we can save time
in the rest-room. We tie it to the tip of you know what, so we can pull it out without touching it and get rid of the need to wash our hands, which shortens the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 percent.”

I asked with more curiousness, “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know how others do, but I use the spoon.”

A group of dinner party guests were discussing whether men or women are the more trustworthy.

Jack, a very opinionated, older man said bluntly, “Well, no woman can keep a secret.”

“That’s not true!” said Jane, a pretty, young blond sitting next to him.

“So, give me an example of when you’ve kept a secret then,” Jack responded.

“Well,” said Jane, “I’ve kept my age totally secret since I was 21.”

“Maybe,” said Jack, “but one day you’ll let it slip. You won’t be able to keep it secret forever.”

“I disagree,” Jane responded. “If I’ve managed to keep it secret for 15 years, then why couldn’t I keep it secret forever?