After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,“Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

*If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 

… the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle on prices” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Well then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch a crocodile myself so that I can get a pair of shoes for free”.

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, “Little lady, just go and give it a try”!

The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the river bank where he spots the same young blonde woman standing waist-deep in the murky water, a shotgun in her hand. Just then, he spots a vast 3-metre croc swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning speed, she aims, kills the creature and hauls it onto the muddy banks of the river. Lying nearby were seven more of the dead animals, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto it’s back.

– Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, ” Sht! Sht! Sh*t! This one’s barefoot, too”!

Yeah, must be pretty hard on those poor crocodiles.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!”

Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had “fallen.”

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe, old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

“Mayor, you have to do something about the pavements in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they’ve fallen.”

The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about, because your wife has already fallen three times this week!”

“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.

“Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”

Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

She wanted to discuss Johnny’s poor performance directly with his parents.

When she rang the door bell, Little Johnny answered.

“Hello Johnny, I’d like to talk to your mother or father,” she said.

“Sorry, but they ain’t here.” He replied.

“Johnny!” She said, “what is it with your grammar?”

“Haven’t got a clue what’s wrong with her,” Johnny replied, “but dad sure was mad that they had to go bail her out again.”

There was a Catholic priest, Jewish rabbi and Baptist minister. 

One day the priest went to get a hair cut. 

After the barber cut his hair the priest wanted to pay him.   

The barber said, “Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God.”  

So the next day when the barber went to open his shop he saw a loaf of bread with a thank you note.

Well the rabbi came for a hair cut. 

Again the barber said,

“Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God.” 

So the next day the barber went to open his shop and found a bottle of wine and a thank you note.

Well, the Baptist minister came for his hair cut. 

Again the barber said,

“Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God.”

Well, the next day when the barber went to open his shop, he found 10 other Baptist ministers with a thank you note.

A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls. The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day.

Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.

The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: “For best results, put on two coats.”

Margarita had left her home in the small city of Campeche in Mexico for what she thought would be an exciting life in New York City.

However, the drudgery of life as a chambermaid, working in a third-rate hotel on 9th Avenue, proved to be a depressing experience.

She felt so depressed that one night she found herself standing on Brooklyn Bridge, contemplating throwing herself into the East River.

At that moment, a Good Samaritan came walking across the bridge in the shape of a handsome young man, named Tom.

“Hello, I’m Tom,” said the young man. “Please tell me what’s troubling you, mam.”

“Life in Manhattan, working as a chambermaid, it is so hard,” Margarita responded. “I wanted so much more. And I can’t go home now, so I have nothing to live for.”

“Look mam, the world is full of opportunity,” said Tom. “Hey, I’m a sailor and tomorrow we’ll be sailing to London, England. You could come too. I could stow you away on the ship and take care of you. I’ll bring you food each day and keep you happy.”

Margarita thought about it momentarily and she realised that she had nothing to lose, so she accepted Tom’s offer.

That night, Tom took her aboard the ship and hid her in a small, but surprisingly comfortable, compartment in the hold.

From then on, each night Tom brought sandwiches and some red wine and after they’d eaten, he’d make love to her.

A few days later, during a routine inspection, the Captain discovered Margarita.

“What are you doing here?” asked the Captain.

“Sir, I have an arrangement with one of your sailors,” replied Margarita. “He brings me food and he’s taking me to London, England on your ship.”

“Really?” the captain responded.

“Yes sir,” said Margarita. “He’s been taking advantage of me too, sir.”

“He certainly has, mam,” replied the Captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”