Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, Wall of Fear, Screaming Monster Roller Coaster – everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

“Well Dear, what was it like being six again??”

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed ,

“I meant my dress size, you dumbass!”

 

A farmer decided he wanted to go into town to see a movie.

As he was standing in line for a ticket, the ticket agent says to him. “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”

“Well,” said the farmer, “this here’s my pet rooster, Chuck. I never go anywhere without Chuck.”

“Sir, I’m sorry,” the ticket agent responds, “but we don’t allow any animals in the auditorium.”

Now the farmer is a wily old operator, and he knows how to work around a problem.

So, he disappears around the corner and stuffs the rooster down his overalls. Then he returns to the ticket booth, buys a ticket, and walks off to take his seat.

On this occasion, he’s seated next to two old women, Maude and Daisy.

The movie starts and naturally the rooster begins to get restless. So, the old farmer unbuttons his fly so Chuck could stick his head out to watch the movie.

“Daisy,” says Maude, whispering.

“What is it, Maude?” Daisy responds.

“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”

“What makes you think so?” Daisy asks.

“He just undid his pants, and he’s got his thing out,” whispers Maude.

“So, why worry?” Daisy responds, “at your age, it’s not like you haven’t seen one before. When you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”

“Well, that’s what I thought,” Maude responded, “but this one’s eating my popcorn.“

“I mean I was very close to having an affair, Father. I met this woman at a work conference, and we hit it off. We had a lot in common, and I found myself drawn to her. We spent a lot of time together during the conference, talking and laughing.”

The priest listened intently, his expression solemn yet understanding. “Go on, my son,” he encouraged.

“We exchanged numbers and started texting each other after the conference,” the Irishman continued. “There were moments when I felt tempted to meet her outside of work, but I stopped myself. I knew it was wrong, Father. I love my wife, and I couldn’t bear to betray her.”

The priest nodded, acknowledging the man’s struggle. “It’s commendable that you resisted the temptation. But why did you come here today, my son?”

“I feel guilty, Father,” the man confessed. “Even though nothing physical happened between us, I feel like I betrayed my wife emotionally. I’ve been distant and preoccupied lately, and she’s noticed. I don’t want to hurt her, and I don’t want to lose her.”

The priest offered words of solace. “You’ve taken an important step by acknowledging your feelings and seeking guidance. Remember, we all face temptations, but it’s our actions that define us. Have you spoken to your wife about what you’ve been going through?”

The Irishman shook his head. “No, Father. I’m afraid she’ll be hurt or angry. I don’t want to burden her with my mistakes.”

The priest gently said, “Keeping this from her might cause more harm. Honesty and open communication are crucial in a marriage. It’s a chance to rebuild trust and strengthen your bond.”

Taking the priest’s advice to heart, the Irishman left the confessional with a resolve to talk to his wife. When he arrived home, he found her in the kitchen, preparing dinner. He took a deep breath and approached her.

“Love, I need to talk to you about something,” he began, his voice filled with sincerity.

His wife turned to him, sensing the seriousness in his tone. “What is it, dear?” she asked, setting down the knife she was using.

He sat beside her and confessed everything, sharing his feelings, the encounter at the conference, and his struggle with temptation. Tears welled up in his eyes as he spoke, fearing her reaction.

His wife listened attentively, her expression a mix of surprise ....

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Two women are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.

They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then, the woman turns to the other and hands her a bill.

“Here’s that $20 I owe you,” she says.

Two couples were playing cards.

Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.

When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave’s wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, “Did you see anything under the table that you liked?”

Jeff admitted, “Well, yes I did.”

She said “you can have it, but it will cost you $100.”

After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested.

She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn’t, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.

Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM.

After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had lovemaking for a few hours and then Jeff left.

Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, “Did Jeff come by this afternoon?”

Totally shocked, Sandy replied, “Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.”

Next Dave asked, “Did Jeff give you $100?”

Sandy thought, ‘Oh hell, he knows!’ Reluctantly she said, “Yes, he did give me $100.”

“Good,” Dave says.

“Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he’d stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It’s so good to have a friend you can trust.”

A man traveling by train asks the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria.

“Sir, we don’t stop at Victoria.”

“But I have to get off there!”

“Well, there might be one thing I can do. I might be able to get the engineer to slow down the train a little. Then I can dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform.”

“Will that work?”

“It’s worth a try.”

As they approached the platform, the train is slowing from 50 MPH.

The collector hangs the man in mid-air out the door.

The man starts running in mid-air.

“Run faster! Faster!” He lowers the man and the man’s feet touch the platform. His shoes start to smoke! His heel comes off! He’s running at 30 MPH.

He’s made it! He starts to slow down! The other passengers stare in amazement.

As the last car goes by, a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts the man right back into the train! As he’s helped back on the train the gent who picked him up says, “Man you’re lucky I was here to help! This train doesn’t even STOP in Victoria!”

 

A man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart.

His wife rolls over and asks, “What in the world was that?”

The man says, “Touchdown, I’m ahead, seven to nothing.”

A few minutes later the wife lets one loose.

The man says to her, “What was that?”

She replies, “Touchdown, tie score.”

The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work one up.

He tries so hard that he shits all over the bed.

The wife asks, “Now what in the world was that?”

He replies, “Half time. Switch sides.”

A confused father goes to buy a Barbie Doll for his daughters birthday.

The salesperson answers, ‘Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95’.

The amazed father asks: ‘It’s what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?’

Annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

‘Sir…, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Truck, Ken’s House, Ken’s Fishing Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Dog, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends, and a key chain made from Ken’s testicles.’