Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.

One signs to the other, “Boy was my wife mad at me last night!

She went on and on and wouldn’t stop!”

The other Buddy says, “When my wife goes off on me I just don’t listen.”

“How do you do that?” says the other.

“It’s easy! I turn off the light!”

The English teacher called Peter for a graded recitation.

“Peter, recite a sentence that begins with I.”

Peter thought for a moment and slowly said, “I is the…”

The teacher interrupted him and said,

“No, Peter. You say ‘I am’ instead of ‘I is’. Now, try again.”

“Okay,” Peter said. “I am the ninth letter of the English alphabet.”

A eighteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that truck???!!!”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me just Fifty dollars.”

So the parents began to yell even louder.

“Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?” they said.

“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy.

I don”t know her name – they just moved in.

She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh my Goodness!,” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn’t intend to come back.

He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did.”

Mary and Jane are old friends.

They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Mary is upset because she thinks her husband doesn’t find her attractive anymore.

“As I get older he doesn’t bother to look at me!” Mary cries.

“I’m so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day.” replies Jane.

“Yes, but your husband’s an antique dealer!”

Tim: I hear you just got married again.

Sam: Yes, for the fourth time.

Tim: What happened to your first three wives?

Sam: They all died.

Tim: How did that happen?

Sam: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.

Tim: How terrible! And your second?

Sam: She too ate poison mushrooms.

Tim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?

Sam: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.

Tim: I see, an accident.

Sam: Not exactly. She wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc. but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice ” I’d like to try the bet”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!!

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”

The scrawny little man replied “I work for the IRS.”

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one.

He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another.

He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one.

This goes on for at least an hour and a half.

Finally the bartender, bursting with curiosity, says, “I know it’s none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole “drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one” routine?”

“Well,” slurred the man, “There’s a picture of my wife in my pocket.

When she starts to look good, then it’s time for me to go home.”

Mrs. Jennings began each vocabulary lesson by asking the students to use a word in a sentence.

“Okay, class,” she announced, “who can use the word ‘fascinate’ properly in a sentence?”

Mary shot her hand up and, before Mrs. Jennings could call on her, she said “I went to Alaska over spring break and it was fascinating!”

Mrs. Jennings replied, “that’s good Mary, but I asked for the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating.’”

Billy threw his hand up next: “My Dad want to see the museum and was fascinated by the paintings!”

Mrs. Jennings again corrected her student: “That’s also good, but remember the word is ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinated.’”

Finally, Carol waved her hand wildly from the back row: “My aunt just bought a new shirt with ten buttons.

She tried to put it on, but her boobs are too big, so she could only fasten eight.”