A blonde and a brunette were watching the news and they had someone on who was about to jump off a building.

The brunette says “I bet u he will jump.”

The blonde says “ok”.

Later on he jumps.

When the brunette is leaving she says “I can’t take your money, I saw it happen already on the 5 o’clock news.”

The blonde says “I did too but i didn’t think he would jump again.”

 

Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.

A game warden came up behind them, tapped one on the shoulder and said, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”

“We don’t have any.” replied the first blonde.

“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses.”

“But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all

have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”

The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were magnets tied on the end of each line.

“Well, I know of no law against it,” said the warden, “take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left.

As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically.

“What a dumb cop,” the second blonde said to the other two, “doesn’t he know that there are steel head trout in this river?!”

A attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.

When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no,” he replied.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble.

“Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.”

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantation’s asked about the prices.

The doctor said, “Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000.

This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000.

Here we have a blonde’s brain as well. It costs $50,000.”

The client asked, “What? How’s that possible?”

The doctor replied, “You see, it’s totally unused.”

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,

“Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,

“No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says,

“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $300?”

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the Doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

“Breast-fed,” she replied.

“Strip down to your waist,” the Doctor said. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination. Motioning her to get dressed, he said, “No wonder this baby is underweight, you don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.”

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, “I’ll have a beer” and turns to the ostrich.

“What’s yours?” “I’ll have a beer too” says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says “That will be $3.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says “I’ll have a beer,” and the ostrich says “I’ll have the same.”

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

“The usual?” asks the bartender.

“Well, it’s close to last call, so I’ll have a large Scotch” says the man.

“Same for me” says the ostrich.

“That will be $7.20” says the bartender.

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can’t hold back his curiosity any longer.

“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the bartender.

“Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

“That’s fantastic!” says the bartender.

“You are a genius! … Oh, one other thing sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man replies, “Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs.”

His friends to him at coffee: “We adore your family life, you’ve got a great life with your wife and kids.

You don’t make her say things twice

Tell us the secret of this happiness or we’ll consider you as a diffident”

“Well, i can shortly explain. After our wedding, she started riding her horse and so was i. My horse’s feet got caught. she knelt right next to horse and she said “once”.

We rode a few metres, then my horse’s feet got caught again. She knelt right next to horse and she said “twice”.

A few minutes later it happened again, she knelt right next to horse and she said “third”. Then she shot him in the face. I was shocked.

I yelled at her: “Why did you do that, are you out of your mind?”

She turned her back and told me “once”

And since that day, i dont make her say things twice.