A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, “Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?”

The woman says, “Yes, of course. I’ll use my Rolls Royce.”

The banker, stunned, asks, “A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?”

The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.

When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?”

The woman replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married.

He was a man of the world.

She was an innocent bride with no experience.

After the wedding they left for their honeymoon.

While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having make love.

The new bride asks, “What are them cows up to honey?”

The husband, a bit flustered, answers, “Why can’t you see? Them cows, they’re roping!”

She replies, “Oh, I see!”

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having lovemaking.

Again the bride asks, “What are them horses doing honey?”

The husband answers again, “Them horses, they’re roping!”

She replies, “Oh, I see!”

Finally they arrive at their hotel.

The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed.

When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other’s bodies.

Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband’s weapon.

“Oh my!” she cries, “What is that?”

“Well, darling'” he chuckles proudly, “That’s ma’rope!”

She slides her hands down further and gasps, “Oh my goodness! What are those?” she asks.

“Honey, those’re my knots!” he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love.

After several minutes the bride says, “Stop honey, wait a minute!”

Her husband, panting a little, asks, “What’s the matter honey, am I hurting you?”

“No,” the bride replies, “undo them damn knots, I need more rope!”

W – “Only $1,500.00.”

H – “Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much…”

W – “Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price…and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”

H-“What price did he quote you?”

W – “Only $60,000…”

H – “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

W – “Great! But before we hang up, something else…”

H – “What?”

W – “It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property.”

H – “How much are they asking?”

W – “Only $450,000 – a magnificent price…and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”

H – “Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?”

W – “OK, sweetie…Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”

H – “Bye…I love u too…” The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:

“Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

“There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.

“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.

“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.

“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the operation.”

 

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.

They are about to do a goodnight kiss, but the guy is feeling a little excited.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her “Darling, would you give me a BJ?”

Horrified, she replies “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

He: “Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”

She: “No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

He: “Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”

She: “No way. It’s just too risky!”

He (excited as hell): “Oh please, please, I love you so much!”

She: “No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!”

He: “Oh yes you can. Please?”

She: “No, no. I just can’t”

He: “I beg you… ”

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her shorts, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:

“Dad says to go ahead and give him a BJ. Or I can do it.

Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it.

But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..”

Claire was becoming frustrated with her husband’s insistence that they always have lovemaking in the dark.

Hoping to rid him of his inhibitions, during a passionate evening she flipped on her reading lamp and was shocked to find a cucumber in his hand.

“Is this what you have been using on me for the past 8 years?” she exclaimed.

“Honey, let me explain….” he pleaded.

“You sneaky swine!” she screamed.

“You impotent Son of a Bitch!”

“Speaking of sneaky!” he interjected,

“Perhaps you’d care to explain our two children!!”

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief.

She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells “No, honey, don’t do it.”

The blond replies “Shut up, you’re next.”

Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.

“Help, help!” yells one of the blondes.

“Help us, help us!” yells the other.

“Maybe it would help if we yelled together,” said the first blonde.

“Good idea,” said the other.

“Together, together!”