A guy and his girlfriend were going on a romantic long drive.

Suddenly, the guy, who is driving the car pulls up on the side of the highway and starts to take his clothes off.

His girlfriend asks, ‘What are you doing? What if someone sees us here?’

The guys tells her, ‘If you want we can go under the car and have our fun.’

She agrees, but asks, ‘What if someone sees us below the car?’

The guy tells her, ‘Then we can tell them that we are checking for a leak in the gas tank.’

So under the car they go, and have the time of their life.

Some time later a cop comes and shouts to the couple, ‘What the hell do you think you are doing?’

So the couple give him the answer saying, ‘We are checking for a leak in the gas tank.’

The cop shouts back at them, ‘You should have checked your brakes first.

Your car has rolled down the slope!

A married couple is sleeping soundly.

Suddenly the phone rings at 2 o’clock in the morning.

The wife picks up the phone, listens for a moment and says,

“How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hangs up.

The husband, meanwhile awake, says, “Who was that?”

The wife answers, “I don’t know; some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.”

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

“Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” she asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”

“Nothing is easier,” he replied.

“You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.”

“What sort of question?”

“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.”

A 16 yrs old boy asks his father. “Dad, what are you going to get me for my 18th bday?

The father answers: “Son, that’s still a long way”…

Now, he is 17 years old and one day faints. His father takes him to the hospital and the Doc says: “Sir, your child had a bad heart.” Lying on the stretcher the boy asks: “Dad, Am I going to die? 

Father starts crying nodding his head in No. the boy recovers on his 18th birthday and comes home and on his bed was a letter his father had left him.

The letter said:

Son, if you reading this its because you made it. remember one day you asked me about your gift on your 18th bday. I didn’t have the answer, but. This bday, I give you my heart. Happy birthday, son”

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”

The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?” The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”

The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”

The Irishman replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”

 

It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious.

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”

The agent replied, “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first; and then I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?”

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. “May I have your attention, please?”, she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

“We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14”.

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, “FuckYou!”

Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to get in line for that, too.”

Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain…

A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her,

“Would you have lovemaking with me for 10 million dollars?”

Without skipping a beat she screams.

“Yes!”

The man then asks, “What about for $20?”

She looks at him sideways and says,

“What do you think I am, a whore?”

The man says,

“We’ve already established that you are, now we’re just negotiating.”

His workmates realized that they would have to be the ones to inform his widow of his passing.

They trooped over to Patrick's cottage at the end of their shift and solemnly gathered in a semicircle before the door.

The foreman politely knocked.

Mrs

Flannerty opened it, and looked at the assembled men in surprise.

“Why, good evenin', boys! Err… Where's my Patrick?”

“I'm afraid that's what we've come to tell ye, Missus

Patrick slipped and fell in a vat of our finest stout at the brewery today…”

“Oh, no!”

“… and the poor fellow drowned, he did.”

The widow burst into tears

“Ahh, my poor Patrick! He never had a chance!”

The foreman cleared his throat,

“Uhm, that's not quite so, Missus

He crawled out four times to go to the loo…”