When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.

“Uh, I hadn’t really thought about it,” admitted the stunned surgeon. You’re the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy.

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car.

“They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” she cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line.

“Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake.”

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.

A homeless man walks up to her.

She sees the man coming and says, “Go away! There’s nothing you can say to change my mind!”

He says, “Well, if you’re going to kill yourself anyway, why don’t we have sex? At least I’ll enjoy it.”

“Absolutely not! You’re disgusting!” she replies.

The man turns and starts walking away.

“Is that all you’re going to say? You’re not going to try to convince me that life is worth living? Where are you going?”

“I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you’ll still be warm!” he says.

 

Two old men are sat on a bench at the park.

A young, smoking hot girl runs past though them.

One of the men smiles and this brings the girl over.

“Why are you staring at me and grinning, you dirty old man?” she says.

The old man sweetly replies “My dear I’m not smiling at you, I’m smiling at the thought that no matter how bad the world gets, there will always be young, pretty girls in the summer to cheer up a lonely old man”

The girl replies “awwwww you sweet old man” leans in and gives him a kiss on the cheek and jogs on.

The old man turns to his friend and says “3 to zip mugley, your turn”.

A pastor, who shall we say was “humor impaired,” attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.

One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd’s attention, said,

“The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn’t my wife!”

The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying,

“And that woman was my mother!”

– The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he’d give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon.

As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head.

It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly,

“The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!”

The congregation inhaled half the air in the room.

After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, “…and I can’t remember who she was!”

Two gas company service personnel, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood:

They parked their truck at the end of an alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

When they finished, the senior supervisor, proud of his physical condition, challenged his younger co-worker to a race back to their truck.

As they approached the truck, they realised that the woman from the last house they checked was huffing and puffing right behind them.

They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I saw two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run, too!”

A young guy named Jim meets a farmer in a bar.

They get talking over a beer at the counter and very soon Jim’s bought a horse from the farmer unseen for $250. Not only has he not seen the nag, Jim even agreed to pay upfront too.

The farmer agrees to deliver the horse to Jim’s home the next day.

Sure enough the next morning the farmer arrives at Jim’s home but the news is not quite what Jim is expecting.

“Sorry, son,” says the farmer, “but unfortunately the horse has died.”

“Well,” says Jim, “just give me back my money.”

“Sorry, son,” responds the farmer, “I can’t do that because I’ve already spent your money.”

“Well, in that case,” says Jim, “just bring me the dead horse.”

“What are you going to do with a dead horse?” asks the farmer.

“I’ll raffle him off, to get my money back,” says Jim.

“You can’t raffle a dead horse!” exclaims the farmer, sounding a little surprised.

“Sure, I can. Just watch me!” says Jim. “I just won’t mention the fact that the horse is dead.”

A couple of months later, the farmer bumps into Jim in the same bar where they met originally.

“Hi,” says the farmer. “Tell me, what happened to the dead horse?”

“I raffled him off like I said I would,” Jim responds.

“Oh really, and how did that go?” asks the farmer.

“It was brilliant,” says Jim. “I sold 1,000 raffle tickets at $5 each and after what I gave you for the horse plus expenses, I made $4,575 profit.”

“Really?” says the farmer. “Didn’t anyone complain about the horse being dead?”

“Yes,” says Jim, “the guy who won. So I gave him back his five dollars.”

 

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed.

He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

“What’s the matter? Didn’t I satisfy you when we secure?” he asked.

“It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble,” said the angry woman.

“In your sleep, you felt my melons and mumbled, ‘What perfect headlights.’

Then you felt my thighs and murmured, ‘what a smooth finish.'”

“What’s wrong with that?” asked the driver.

“Nothing, but then you felt my private part and yelled, ‘who the hell left the garage door open?'”