A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 O’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man “sh*t! That must be my husband!”

So the guy quickly got out of bed scared and without clothes he jumped out the window like a crazy man.

He smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush,

Then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.

Just a few minutes later he returned and screams at the woman “I’m your husband, you slut!”

The woman yelled back, “Yeah? Why were you running? You son of a bitch!”

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had manhood 24 inches long.

When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their shaft and on the other end is a weight.

After a while, the weight stretches it to 24 inches

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, “How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?”

The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his willy

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, “How is our little tribal experiment coming along?”

“Well, it looks like we’re about half way there,” he replied.

“Wow, you’ve grown to 12 inches??”

“No…it’s turned black.”

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.

They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys.

There’s hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there’s more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.

Later, after they’ve had sex, he turns to her and asks, “So, how was I?”

She says, “Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.”

An 8 year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him

“Grandpa what is couple secs?”

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question,

but decided that if she was old enough to know to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and enjoys and responsibilities that go with it.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked, “why did you ask, Sweetie?

The little girl replied, “Well, grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.”

Little Johnny’s out one Sunday with his parents having lunch with family.

Everyone’s seated around the table as lunch is being served. When Johnny receives his plate, he starts eating immediately.

“Johnny,” said his father, “you should wait until we’ve said a prayer before you begin eating.”

“No, Dad, I don’t have to,” Johnny responds.

“Of course you do,” his father insisted. “We always say a prayer when we eat lunch at home, don’t we?”

“Well, that’s at our house,” Johnny responds, “but we’re at Grandma’s and she knows how to cook.”

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’

‘HELLLOOOOOOO……,’ answered the blonde.

‘They’re watch dogs’!

A man just bought a new Ferrari and he decides to take it out for a spin.

As he’s driving, he starts speeding down the road that he’s driving.

He suddenly notices a police car is behind him with his lights flashing and siren wailing.

The man floors he gas petal and takes off. A few moments in the speedy chase the man thinks,

“What the hell am I doing? This isn’t worth going to jail!” He pulls over and the cop approaches the car.

“Listen, we both know that you were speeding. My shift is over in 5 minutes and if I write you a ticket, there’s going to be paperwork that I don’t want to do.

If you can give me one good reason as to why you’re speeding, I’ll let you go.

” The man thinks for a moment and says,

“Well officer, just recently my wife decided to run off with a police officer and when you were chasing me,

I thought you were bringing her back

 

I recently came across this story and it really inspired me. I want to share it with you, take a moment to read – it you’ll be glad you did..

The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o’clock, with her hair fashionably coiffed and makeup perfectly applied, even though she is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.

Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.

After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home,

She smiled sweetly when told her room was ready.

As she manoeuvred her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window.

“I love it,” she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

“Mrs Jones, you haven’t seen the room …. just wait.”

“That doesn’t have anything to do with it,” she replied.

“Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn’t depend on how the furniture is arranged, it’s how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. It’s a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.”

“Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I’ll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I’ve stored away, just for this time in my life.”

She went on to explain,

“Old age is like a bank account, you withdraw from what you’ve put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing.”

And with a smile, she said: “Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.

2. Free your mind from worries.

3. Live simply.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less