One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.

She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for make love.

“What’s that?” he asked.

She explained to him what lovemaking was, and he said, “Oh, Tarzan use h*le in trunk of tree.”

Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly.”

She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide.

“Here,” she said, pointing, “You must put it in here.”

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony.

Eventually she managed to gasp, “Why the hell did you do that?”

“Tarzan check for bees!”

 A guy wakes up with a huge hangover and no recollection of his night out with his mates

Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table.

He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top.

The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, “Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.

“Downstairs, he finds his favorite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him,

along with the morning paper – and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast.

‘Tell me, son,’ he asks, ‘what happened last night?

”Well, says the boy, ‘you came home so blind drunk you didn’t even know your own name.

You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway,

then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down,

you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.

“‘Christ!’ says the man. “Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?

”When Mum dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed,

you shouted at her, “Get your filthy hands off me, you wh***re, I’m married!”

 

A little boy hears the word wh****rehouse in school and asks his father what it means.

His father is quite shocked, and replies: “Well, uh… you go there to… have a good time.”

The boy starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there too,

but his father insists that he`s too young.

Saturday night his dad and a few friends go to “Suzie`s” to “have a good time”, not knowing the little boy is following them.

After his father leaves, the little boy enters there and tells the madame that he wants to have a good time.

She`s a bit puzzled at first, but being a kind-hearted lady she gives him three doughnuts and tells him to leave.

Later that night he comes home, his parents all worried.

His father approaches him first and asks him where he`s been.

“IN A WH*****REHOUSE!” he screams proudly.

“WHAT? Well… uh… how was it?”

“I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the last.”

The coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked,

“Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?”

“Yes, coach”, replied the boy.

“Do you understand that what matters is we win or lose as a team?”

The boy nodded in yes.

The coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, jerk-face or a-hole. Do you understand all that?”

Again, the boy nodded yes.

And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb ass or shithead is it?”

“No, coach.

“Good,” said the coach, “Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandmother”!

 

A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a leathery hill in the Highlands.

They had been silent for a while; then the lass said, “A penny for your thoughts.”

The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, “Well, I was thinking’ how nice it would be if ye’d give me a wee bit of a kiss.”

So she did so. But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, “What are ye thinking’ now?”

To which the lad replied: “Well, I was hoping’ ye hadn’t forgot the penny!”

The Jones didn’t have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones  his wife and said, “I’m off, honey. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

“Good morning madam. You don’t know me but I’ve come to…..” “Oh, there’s no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Jones cut in.

“You have?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”

“That’s exactly what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?” asked a blushing Mrs. Jones.

“You just leave everything to me,” he replied. “Usually, I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.”

“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for George and me,” stated Mrs. Jones.

“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. However, if we try several different positions, and I shoot from five or six angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”

“I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly,” gasped Mrs. Jones.

“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”

“Don’t I know!” exclaimed Mrs. Jones. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus in the downtown area,” he proudly declared.

“Oh my word!” Mrs. Jones exclaimed. “And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with,” he said, handing Mrs. Jones the photograph.

“She was difficult?” Mrs. Jones asked.

“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing and shoving to get a good look.”

“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Jones, her eyes the size of saucers.

“Yes,” said the photographer. “And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. It was very difficult for me to concentrate.

Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”

“You mean they actually chewed on your, umm, equipment?” Mrs. Jones asked.

“That’s right. Well madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.” “Tripod?” asked a very worried Mrs. Jones.

“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold while I’m getting ready for action.”

“Madam, madam? Good Lord, she’s fainted!”

Johnny wanted to have lovemaking with a girl in his office, But she belonged to someone else.

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, “I’ll give you a £100 if you let me have lovemaking with you.

But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, “I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up. ”

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.

So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, “Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his Pants down.”

So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, “The bastard used coins!”

A man walking along the beach found a bottle.

When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.

“I will grant you three wishes,” announced the genie.

“But there is one condition. I am a lawyer’s genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well only double.”

The man thought about this for a while.

“For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars,” he announced.

Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited.

“But every lawyer in the world has just received $20,000,000,” the genie said.

“I’ve always wanted a Ferrari,” the man said.

“That’s my second wish.”

Instantly a Ferrari appeared.

“But every lawyer in the world has just received two Ferrari’s,” the genie said.

“And what is your last wish?”

“Well,” said the man, “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant.”