A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM. He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious,

he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

A man standing at a urinal notices that he’s being watched by a midget.

“Wow,” comments the midget.

“Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!”

Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and continues to pee.

Suddenly, the midget pulls up a step ladder right next to the urinal and says,

“Listen, I know this is a rather strange request, but as they’re so admirable, I wonder if I could take a closer look.”

Again the man is rather startled, but sees no real harm in it.

Just then, the midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man’s balls, and says,

“OK, hand me your wallet, I’ll jump off the ladder.”

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.

Sid asks Abe,

“Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico?”

Abe replies, “I don’t know, let’s ask our waiter.”

When the waiter arrives, Abe asks,

“Are there any Mexican Jews?”

The waiter says,

“I don’t know senor, I ask the cooks.”

He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says,

“No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews.”

Abe isn’t satisfied and asks,

“Are you absolutely sure?”

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with “Gringos” replies,

“I check once again, senor,” and goes back into the kitchen.

While the waiter is away, Sid says,

“I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico Our people are scattered everywhere.”

The waiter returns and says,

“Senor, the head cook Manuel, he says there is no Mexican Jews.”

“Are you certain?” Abe asks again.

“I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!”

“Senor, I ask EVERYONE,” replies the exasperated waiter.

“All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexico Jews.”

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license.

He says “Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.”

The woman answered “Well, I have contacts.”

The policeman replied “I don’t care who you know! You’re getting a ticket!”

“I mean I was very close to having an affair, Father. I met this woman at a work conference, and we hit it off. We had a lot in common, and I found myself drawn to her. We spent a lot of time together during the conference, talking and laughing.”

The priest listened intently, his expression solemn yet understanding. “Go on, my son,” he encouraged.

“We exchanged numbers and started texting each other after the conference,” the Irishman continued. “There were moments when I felt tempted to meet her outside of work, but I stopped myself. I knew it was wrong, Father. I love my wife, and I couldn’t bear to betray her.”

The priest nodded, acknowledging the man’s struggle. “It’s commendable that you resisted the temptation. But why did you come here today, my son?”

“I feel guilty, Father,” the man confessed. “Even though nothing physical happened between us, I feel like I betrayed my wife emotionally. I’ve been distant and preoccupied lately, and she’s noticed. I don’t want to hurt her, and I don’t want to lose her.”

The priest offered words of solace. “You’ve taken an important step by acknowledging your feelings and seeking guidance. Remember, we all face temptations, but it’s our actions that define us. Have you spoken to your wife about what you’ve been going through?”

The Irishman shook his head. “No, Father. I’m afraid she’ll be hurt or angry. I don’t want to burden her with my mistakes.”

The priest gently said, “Keeping this from her might cause more harm. Honesty and open communication are crucial in a marriage. It’s a chance to rebuild trust and strengthen your bond.”

Taking the priest’s advice to heart, the Irishman left the confessional with a resolve to talk to his wife. When he arrived home, he found her in the kitchen, preparing dinner. He took a deep breath and approached her.

“Love, I need to talk to you about something,” he began, his voice filled with sincerity.

His wife turned to him, sensing the seriousness in his tone. “What is it, dear?” she asked, setting down the knife she was using.

He sat beside her and confessed everything, sharing his feelings, the encounter at the conference, and his struggle with temptation. Tears welled up in his eyes as he spoke, fearing her reaction.

His wife listened attentively, her expression a mix of surprise, concern, and empathy. When he finished, there was a moment of silence before she spoke softly, “Thank you for telling me.”

The couple spent the evening talking, sharing their thoughts, fears, and reaffirming their love for each other. It was a difficult conversation, yet it brought them closer together.

In the days that followed, they worked on rebuilding trust and strengthening their relationship. They attended counseling sessions together, learning more about each other’s needs and concerns.

Months passed, and the Irishman and his wife found themselves happier and more connected than ever. They had weathered a storm together and emerged stronger. The confession had been a turning point, a reminder of the importance of honesty, forgiveness, and communication in their marriage.

The Irishman never forgot the lesson he learned that day in the confessional – the value of being truthful and transparent, especially with the person he loved most in the world. And as he held his wife’s hand, looking into her eyes filled with love and understanding, he knew their bond was unbreakable.

A lady is having a bad day at the table in Monte Carlo.

Down to her last Pound 100, completely exasperated, she cries, “What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”

A gentleman next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, “I don’t know… Why don’t you play your age?”

He walks away. Moments later, he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”

“I don’t know, she put everything on number 24 and when 36 came up, she screamed and then fainted.”

 

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters,

decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.

He went to his wife and said, “I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.

When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded,

“Have you been fooling around on me?”

His wife confessed, “Not this time.”

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch.

They have just lost their bull.

The women need to buy another, but only have $500.

The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.”

She goes to the market and finds one for $499.

Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word.

She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.

Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.”

Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?”

The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.'”