On a train from London to Manchester to watch the cricket, an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

“You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me… I’m ME!

I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood.. What do you say to that?”

The Englishman replied,

“Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!”

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a undressed beach.

As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had melons bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.

She told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “units” than his dad.

His mother replied, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again.

He promptly told his mother,

“Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”!

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”

Again, Bruce replies instantly, “Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine.”

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this.

He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won’t have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, “Well, Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?”

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says “Well, we’ve been lucky so far…”

Mr. Smith doesn’t think little Bruce is so cute anymore.

 

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a well-endowed, beautiful, young, blonde woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed.

The woman looked at the doctor, smiled seductively, and said in a very nice voice, “Hi there handsome. How are you doing?” before wiggling her backside and walking off.

“Who was that?” demanded the doctor’s wife.

“Just a woman I met professionally,” replied the doctor.

“Oh yeah?” snarled his wife, “In whose profession? Yours or hers?”

Two drunks sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a make love life.

One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way thru a fence, with its bum facing the tavern.

One drunk says he sure wishes that sheep were Marilyn Monroe.

One day at home the phone rings and Joe answers it.

On the other end is a confused woman who asks, “Who is this?”

“This is Joe. With whom did you wish to speak with?”

After a pause the woman says, “Did you just say whom?”

“Yes, I did.”

“Then you’re definitely not my son!”

An Irish couple are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll try being a hpoker:

She’s not quite sure what to do, so the husband says.

“Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred euros. Any questions and I’ll be parked around the corner.”

She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg when a guy pulls up and asks.

“How much?”

She says. “A hundred euros.”

He replies. “All I got is thirty.”

She says. “Hold on.”

She runs back to the husband and asks.

“What now. What can he get for thirty?”

“A hand job” The husband replied.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty euros is a handjob.

He agrees and she gets in the car.

He unzips his trousers and out pops this HUGE willy.

She stares at it for a few seconds, then says…

“I’ll be right back.”

She runs back to the husband.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

“Any chance you could lend this guy seventy euros?”

A man decides to buy a pub He is retiring and wants to get one with some regulars and a stabilised menu.

Luckily, an old pub owner is wishing to retire in the countryside and offers him his old business.

The old owner shows him the pantry, the basement, the beer taps and the kitchen, teaches him how to operate the old pinball machines and how to draft the beer the proper way.

Finally, the old owner tells him about the regulars, who leaves good tips, who tries to bargain the price, who will be hard to deal with.

“And one last thing, as you saw, there is a Institute for the deaf in front of the pub, so most Friday nights they come over to unwind.

They are a timid bunch who keep to themselves, but it’s not hard to communicate. If they show you their index finger, they want another pint.

If they show their open palm, they want to close the tab. You’ll get the hang of it in no time. Nonetheless, here is my number, if something happens you can call me”

The first week passes smoothly, the new owner handles everything fine and the business is as great as he could wish for. Finally, Friday comes and he meets the group of deaf men.

Each one raises an index finger and he serves them a pint each. They really kept to themselves, playing in the pinball machines or watching the game on the telly.

From time to time one comes over and shows him an index finger, getting a beer in return. The new lender finds them timid but cheery and no problem to handle.

After some ours, he notices them acting strangely. They open their mouths wide, and flail their arms in erratic fashion while moving from side to side.

He is stumped at what that could mean. It’s not an index finger for another pint, nor is the open hand for the bill.

More and more of the deaf group start to exhibit the strange behaviour, mouths open, arms flailing, unrest feet.

The man finally caves in and calls the old owner.

“What’s the problem my boy? Are the patrons treating you right?”

“Everything is fine, thank you! But today I met the deaf guys and, well, it was easy to understand they at first”

“Didn’t I tell you? They are a great bunch!”

“Yes, but now they are opening their mouths and flailing their arms, going from side to side! What the hell does it mean?”

“Oh, forgot to tell ya. When they start to sing, it goes until the morning!”