Mrs. Samson asks her class: “Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?”

Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way.

“Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?”

Mary stands up, blushing furiously.

“How dare you ask such a question?” she says.

“I’m going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!”

Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary’s reaction, but undaunted.

She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.

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A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven.

 

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him.

 

“Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully.”

 

Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, “Who really shot Kennedy?”

 

God replies...

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A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a beautiful blonde.

“I just got this amazing watch,” he tells her, “it can reads alpha waves, and can tell me what a person is thinking.”

“What does it say about me?” asked the blonde.

“It says you want to sleep with me.” said the man.

“Sorry,” said the blonde, “I think your watch is broken.”

“Hmmm,” said the man slowly examining the watch, “It seems to be running an hour fast.”

A kindergarten teacher is having her birthday and three of her students decided to bring her a gift.

The first students was little Timmy and his dad owned a Candy Store.

Timmy walked up to his teacher and handed her a nice little gift wrapped box. The teacher thanked the student and told him, she wanted to see if she could guess what was in the box.

The little boy excitedly agreed and after about twenty seconds the teacher said, “Is it candy!?” The little boy surprisingly and a little disappointed walked back to his desk.

The second student was Taylor and her dad owned a kitchen appliance store. She walked up to her teacher with a fancily wrapped box about the size of a Football.

The teacher took the box and asked if she could try to guess what was in the box. Taylor excitedly agreed and handed the package over to her teacher.

The teacher stood there thinking for about forty five seconds then said, “Is it a Toaster!?” The little girl was surprised and asked the teacher how she knew.

The teacher smiled wide, thanked the student, and Taylor returned to her desk.The third student was Sarah and her dad owned a winery.

She walked up to the teacher with a box that was a little bigger than the teacher was expecting.

Sarah’s Gift

The teacher smiled and asked...

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An Amish girl and her mother were visiting a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The girl asked, “Mother, what is this?”

The mother, never having seen an elevator, responded, “I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is.”

While the girl and her mother watched with amazement, an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the man rolled between them into a small room.

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A young lady is buying a box of tampons in the store.

They are missing the UPC and won’t ring up.

The cashier asks his co-worker to go and check the price of Tampax.

Do you mean the kind you push in or the kind you hammer in?

Everyone including the cashier is shocked: What?

You said to check the price of thumb tacks. I am asking whether you mean the kind of thumb tacks you push in or the kind you hammer in?

You should have seen the face of the young lady who wanted to buy these tampons.

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

He asks, “What was that for?”

She says, “I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it.”

He says, “Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on.”

She shrugs and walks away.

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Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time.

He gets up early and eager, golfs all day long, sometimes 36 holes.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course.

Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; torrential downpour.

There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He returns to the garage.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel.

He finds it’s going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, “The weather out there is terrible.”

To which she sleepily replies, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?”