A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband.
“I know you’ve been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?”
The husband replied, “Look, I don’t want to upset you, there were many. Let’s just leave it alone.”
The wife continued to beg and plead.
Finally, the husband gave in. “Let’s see.” he said “There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine…”
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”
The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!”
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
Jane and Erica are Talking in Heaven How did you die?”
Jane asks Erica.
She replies, “I froze to death.”
“Oh, that’s terrible!” says Jane.
“It wasn’t too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling,
just before you black out.
How did you die “Well,” she says, “I suspected my husband was cheating so one day I came home early to catch him, but he was just watching TV.
So I turned the entire house upside-down looking for another girl, and in the end I got a massive heart attack from exhaustion.”
“Too bad you didnt look in the freezer,” said Erica, “Or we might both still be alive.
It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles ...
Patient: Please doctor help me. I have been stung by a bee.
Doctor: Don’t worry. I’ll put some cream on it.
Patient: You’ll never find the bee. It must be miles away by now.
Doctor: No No please understand. I’ll put some cream on the place u were stung.
Patient: Oh! it happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree.
Doctor: You #$%&! I mean in which part of the body did the bee sting.
Patient: It stung me on my finger.
Doctor: Which one?
Patient: How am I to know? all the bees look the same to me
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O’clock news.
A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump, and the redhead replied, “I’ll take that bet!”
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed.
The redhead said “I can’t take this, you’re my friend”
The blonde said “No! A bet’s a bet”.
So the redhead said “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O’clock news, so I can’t take your money”
The blonde replied “well, so did I, but I never thought he’d jump again!”
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer Peter replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Alberta we settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up you can have the duck.”
I ran into Jim at work yesterday.
He had been out for a few days with the flu.
I asked him how he was feeling.
“I’m better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience,” he replied.
“Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?” I asked in stunned disbelief.
“Well, I learned that my wife really loves me.
You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them.
I could hear her excitedly saying, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!'”
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