Joe was a steward for Fly High airlines.

He watched as an older lady boarded the plane holding a dog in a cage.

“Excuse me,” said Joe “dogs are not allowed on board, you have to check it in with the baggage.”

The lady wasn’t happy, but Joe was an experienced steward and succeeded in convincing the lady without much of a scene.

Upon arrival, Joe took a peek in the cage, and to his great surprise, saw that the dog was dead! Frantic that they may get sued, Joe quickly sent one of his underlings out to town to buy a dog that looked exactly the same.

Just in the nick of time the underling arrived with the dog.

They quickly switched dogs and breathed a sigh of relief.

“This isn’t my dog!” said the lady as soon as she saw it.

“I’m sure it is” insisted Joe “I was very careful about where I put it.”

“It’s not my dog” argued the lady, “you see, I was bringing my dog to my home town to have him buried, and this dog is alive!”

 

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane.

Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.

Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said “I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, “I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world

I deserve to live.”

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

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There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke,

and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest.

About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

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Husband and wife are lying in bed in the middle of the night.

Husband: I won’t be able to sleep afterwards.

Wife: I can’t sleep without it.

Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Wife: Because I’m hot.

Husband: You get hot at the darnest times!

Wife: If you love me I wouldn’t have to beg you.

Husband: If you love me you’d be more considerate.

Wife: You don’t love me anymore.

Husband: Yes I do, but let’s forget it for tonight.

Wife: Booooooo…! (sob-sob)

Husband: Alright, I’ll do it.

Wife: What’s the matter? Need a flashlight?

Husband: I can’t find it.

Wife: Oh, for heaven’s sake, feel for it!

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A ship was travelling in a dangerous part of the sea.

The captain saw a pirate ship approaching their vessel.

The captain yells to his crew, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”

The crew brings him his red shirt, he puts it on, and leads the men in battle.

They lose one man, but on the whole it was a great victory everyone wonders what the deal is with the red shirt, but they just shrug it off.

A few days later, the captain sees 2 pirate ships in the distance.

He again yells, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”

The crew does so, and they fight off the pirates.

They lose a few more men this time, but at least most of them are unharmed.

However, this time curiosity got the best of them, and they ask the Captain why he’s asked for his red shirt during the battles.

He answers, “Well crew, I know all of you look to me for support and morale.

I knew there would be a good chance of me getting injured and I didn’t want you to see me all bloody and fear that all is lost.

Therefore I put on a red shirt so that my injuries will blend in with the shirt.”

A few weeks later, the ship is travelling in another sea, and in the distance, there are suddenly 10 fearsome pirate ships.

The captain spots them and yells, “Men, bring me my brown pants!”

One day God said to Adam, “It’s nearly time for you and Eve to begin populating Earth. So I want you to kiss her.”

“I don’t understand”, said Adam. “What does to kiss mean?”

God understood that it was all new to Adam so patiently he explained to Adam what was required of him.

Adam took Eve by the hand and they disappeared into the woods. A little while later they emerged and Adam said, “That was most enjoyable.”

“I thought you might say that,” said God, “so now I want you to caress her.”

“But what does caress mean?” Adam asked.

So God provided Adam with a brief explanation again.

Again Adam took Eve by the hand and they disappeared into the woods once more.

Soon they returned and Adam smiled and said, “That was even better.”

“Good”, said God. “You’ve done well. So now I want you to make love to Eve.”

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60th High School Reunion, He was a widower and she a widow.

They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles .

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high

The widower throwing admiring glances across the table.

The widow smiling coyly back at him

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, “Yes,….

yes I will!” The evening ended on a happy note for the widower.

But the next morning he was troubled

Did she say Yes? or did she say No? He couldn't remember

Try as he would, he just could not recall.

He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to.

Then he reviewed the past evening

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The hospital staff kept telling Jim, but it was to no avail.

Jim’s wife was in labor and Jim was a nervous wreck.

After what seemed like a week, to both Jim and the hospital staff, a nurse came out with the happy news, “it’s a girl”, she cried.

“Thank God, a girl”, said Jim, “at least she won’t have to go through what I just went through!”