I was sitting at a bar when a man walked in.

The bartender pointed at the seat next to me and said “Hey Jackass! Sit here.” The man sat down.

Then the bartender asked, “What do you want to drink, Jackass?” The man ordered a beer.

A little later, the bartender yelled, “Hey Jackass! You want a menu?” The man said “No.”

After a few more beers, the bartender said, “Hey Jackass! That will be $24.50.”

The man paid and started to get up.

I stopped him and asked, “Why does he keep calling you Jackass?”

The man looked at me, smiled and said, “ Oh…. Hee Haw Hee Haw Hee Halways calls me that.”

There were three guys talking in the pub.

Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”

The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed.

“What happened then?” they asked.

“She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man’.”

 

One day 3 women went to the top of a water flume in a swimming pool.
There was a black haired, brown haired, and a blonde haired woman.
When they got to the top a genie appeared from nowhere and said "when your going down the flume shout out the on thing that you want and you will land in it at the bottom.
So the black haired woman went down and shouted "money" and landed in a load of cash, the brown haired woman went down and shouted "gorgous men!" and landed in a pile of men.
The blonde woman wasnt listening to the genie so she went down shouting weeeeeee.

 

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.

A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, 'Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you.'

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the lawyer sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.'

'Congratulations for what?' says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.

'We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!'

The lawyer is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.

When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty.'

'That's simply impossible son,' says Saint Peter. 'We've added up your time sheets.'

 

Jack and Jill were getting married.

Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says, “I remember when your mom and I got married. I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on.”

“I can’t wear these,” she said.

“Darn right,” he said, “I wear the pants in this family, and you’d better remember that.”

“I think I’ll try that on Jill,” Jack said.

He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.

“Put these on,” he said.

Jill replied, “I can’t wear these.”

“Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you’d better remember that,” he said.

Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.

“I can’t get in to these,” he said.

“Darn right,” Jill said. “And if you don’t change your attitude you never will!”

  

 

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

The Angry Nun Decided To Be Nice On Easter. “What a wonderful Easter day! Today, I’m so happy, I’ll even be nice to the nuns”, she said.

She went out of her room and saw a nun in the hall.

– Good morning, Sister Joanna! You look really beautiful today! And that shirt you’re knitting is so pretty!

– Thanks, Mother

You look great too, but you got up on the wrong side of the bed, no?

The Mother Superior didn’t like that comment, but she went ahead anyway

She saw another nun.

– Good morning, Sister Mary! You look really good! And that embroidery is looking amazing, congratulations!

– Thanks, Mother

You look beautiful, too. But it seems like you got up on the wrong side of the bed…

The Mother was furious, but she still kept doing that.

Every time she met a nun and greeted her, the nuns always told her the same thing.

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At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults hide at least one dark secret and this makes it very easy to blackmail them merely by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

So Little Johnny decides to try it out, when he arrives home from school that day, he says to his mother, “I know the whole truth.”

His mother looks shocked, quickly finds $20, and gives it to him, saying, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, Little Johnny waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”

His father looks shocked, quickly finds $40, and gives it to him, saying, “Just don’t tell your mother.”

The next morning, Little Johnny is on his way to school when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy decides to try again. “I know the whole truth.”

The mailman drops his mailbag, throws opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your real daddy a nice big hug!”