An elderly couple had been dating for some time.

Finally, they decided it was time for marriage.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

“How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather trustingly.

“Well,” she says, responding carefully, “I’d have to say I would like it infrequently.”

The old gentleman  sat quietly for a moment.

Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, “Was that one word or two?”

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the pretty girl said, “I would like to buy this material for my new dress. How much does it cost?”

“Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk on his face.

“That’s fine,” said the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old man behind her, and smiled, “Grandpa’s gonna pay the bill.”

The new CEO arrives for his first day in the office and he’s determined to let everyone know that he means business.

Having done a quick review of the Company’s financial position he decides his first act must be to reduce costs by getting rid of all the slackers who were not adding value to the business.

As he’s taking a tour of the Company’s facilities, there are workers everywhere but his eyes are immediately drawn to a guy leaning against a wall, apparently doing nothing in particular.

Seeing this as his chance to make an immediate impact, he walks over to the guy and asks, “How much money do you earn each week, son?”

The guy is taken a little by surprise but he responds politely by saying, “Sir, I make around $400 per week. Why do you ask?”

In response, the CEO says, “You just wait right here!”

He then disappears into the Finance Department and minutes later he reappears holding a bundle of cash in his hands.

He hands the guy $1,600 and says, “That’s four weeks’ pay. Now get out of here and don’t come back.”

The guy takes the money and disappears out the door as fast as he can.

Feeling like a real power boss, the CEO looks around and says, to no one in particular, “So, does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did around here?”

From the back of the room, in a loud voice, someone responded, “He was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”

Early morning Husband woke up his wife and asked her:

“Honey would you like to join me for Yoga?”

She: “Ohh. So you mean to say I am fat?”

Hubby: “No. Yoga is good for health.”

She: “Oh.. that means I am sick.”

Hubby: “No no. If you don’t want to get up, then it’s OK.”…

She: “So now you think I am lazy, ha?”

Hubby: “Nooo. You are misunderstanding me. I didn’t mean….”

She: “Aha ! So I don’t understand you, right?”

Hubby: “Now look I didn’t say that.”

She: “So am I lying? “

Hubby: Plz “don’t stretch it in the morning”

She: “Oh wow. So I am a quarrelsome lady.”

Hubby: “All right ! Its better that I also don’t go for Yoga.”

She: “See ? You never wanted to go. Just wanted to blame me.”

HUBBY: “Ok You go off to sleep. I am going alone.. happy?.”

SHE: “You always go alone everywhere and enjoy.”

Hubby: “Plz . I am feeling giddy now “

She: “See? You are so selfish. Always think of yourself only. Never think of my health.”

Grrrrrr…

Husband is sitting and thinking where he went wrong.

An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs, and every morning the farmer would head out to feed them.

And every morning, he would see all the pigs bang up a storm.

He would get turned on by this and try to get back to the house in time to bang his wife but he always got soft before he got there.

So one day, he took his hatchet and headed out to the pigpen.

“No!” said his wife.

“Don’t kill those pigs!”

“I’m not going to kill them. I’m moving the pen closer to the house.”

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow,

and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”

The man walks up to him and says,

“I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say,

“So, how long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in my truck!”

It’s 10 pm when the phone rings in An Elderly Dr. Stein’s house.

“It’s Dr. Gold,” says his wife, passing him the phone,

“I do hope it’s not another emergency.”

Dr. Stein takes the phone and says,

“Hi, what’s up?”

“Don’t worry, everything’s OK,” replies Dr. Gold.

“It’s just that I’m at home with Dr. Lewis and Dr. Kosiner. We’re having a little game of poker and we’re short of one hand so we thought you might like to come over and join us?”

“Sure …. yes, of course,” replies Dr. Stein, putting on a serious voice,

“I’m leaving right now.”

And he puts down the phone.

“What’s happened?” his wife asks, with a worried look.

“It’s very serious,” Dr. Stein replies.

“They’ve already called three doctors.”

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s,

She read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With ‘Carnation Milk is best of all.’

She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and dairy farms.

I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black car pulled up in front of her house.

A large man got out, knocked on her door and said,

“Ma’am,…..The president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your entry…..So much, in fact, that we are here to award you $1,000 even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisements!”

He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall.

Carnation milk is best of all,

No t!ts to pull, no sh!t to haul;

No buckets to wash, no hay to pitch,

Just poke a hole in the s0n-0f-a-b!tch!