A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents.

After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.

The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink.

‘So what are your plans?’ the father asks the young man.

‘I am a Torah scholar,’ he replies.

‘A Torah scholar. Hmmm,’ the father says.

‘admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?’

‘I will study,’ the young man replies, ‘and God will provide for us.’

‘And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?’ asks the father.

‘I will concentrate on my studies,’ the young man replies, ‘God will provide for us.’

‘And children?’ asks the father. ‘How will you support children?’

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions,

The young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, ‘How did it go, darling?’

The father answers, ‘He has no job and no plans, but the good news is, he thinks I’m God.’

After a tiring day, a young lady settled down in her local train seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her, pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.

“Hi Sweetheart, its john, I’m on the Train”

“Yes, I know it’s Six thirty and not four thirty, but I had A Long Meeting”

“No, honey, I was not with Cathy from the Accounts Office, I was with the Boss attending the meeting”

“No Sweetheart,

You’re the only one in My life”

“Yes, I’m sure dear”.

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the Young Woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,

“John darling, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

That was the last time john used his cell phone in Public.

Three old friends got together and were discussing what movie they had watched when they conceived their children.

One lady says she had just watched a movie called The Search for One-eye Jimmy and nine months later she gave birth to her baby.

Another lady says, “Oh, I saw the movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and then nine months later I had septuplets.”

The last lady gasps and exclaims, “Oh no, I just watched 101 Dalmations!”

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said, “I forgot my teeth!”

The man said, “No problem.” With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. “Try these,” he said.

The speaker tried them. “Thanks, but they’re too loose,” he said.

The man then said, “I have another pair…try these.”

The speaker tried them and responded, “Too tight.”

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, “I have one more pair of false teeth…try them.”

The speaker said, “They fit perfectly!” With that he ate his meal and gave his address.

After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

“I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.”

The man replied, “I’m not a dentist. I work at the morgue..”

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I asked.

“No, I don't waste time fishing,” the homeless man said

“I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” I asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man

“I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!”

“Well,” I said, “I'm not going to give you money

Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded

“Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?”

I replied, “Don't worry about that

It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting.”

A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more see-thru, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most see-thru item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), ‘I have an idea.

It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing.

I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modelling without clothes, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.’

She appears without clothes on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, ‘Good Grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!’

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

Wife : Am I looking fat?

Husband : Yes

Wife : Shut up. Don’t you ever dare talk to me!!

Wife : Am I looking fat?

Husband : No

Wife : Liar

Wife : Am I looking fat?

Husband : Maybe

Wife : can u ever b decisive

Wife : Am I looking fat?

Husband : I don’t know

Wife : Are you blind?

Wife : Am I looking fat?

Husband : Depends

Wife : Oh you comparing me with some one else..

Wife : Am I looking fat?

Husband : silence

Wife : Are you deaf?

There are some questions for which there is no correct answer.

For everything else there is Google.

Funny Joke ‣ It’s Under The Bed

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Its Under The Bed 2 - Funny Joke ‣ It's Under The Bed

A young doctor had moved to a small community near Broken Hill to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”

The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”

As they left, the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman, How did you come to your diagnosis so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the waste bin I knew that was what probably was making her sick.”

The younger doctor said “Pretty clever. If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.

She said that she just didn’t have the energy she once had and said, “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”

“You’ve probably been doing too much for the Church,” the younger doctor told her.

“Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”

As they left, the elder doctor said, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she’s very active in the church but how did you arrive at it?”

“I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed.”