The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

“What happened Paddy ?” she asks anxiously.

“What happened!! I'll tell you what happened

I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.

I get home… and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean,  with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!

This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage

I'm done

I'm leaving forever!”

“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law.

“There is something very odd going on here

Jean would never do such a thing!

There must be a simple explanation

I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

“Paddy

I told you there must be a simple explanation …… she never got your E-mail!” 

A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said;

“Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Beth replied, “Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason.”

Charles was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”

Beth said, “The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage.

Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?, well I did what I had to do”

Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Beth answered, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed?

Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge, well I did what I had to do.”

“I recall that,” says Chuck. “And you did it to save my life so of course I can forgive you for that.

Now tell me about the third time.”

“All right,” Beth said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of the golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.

He loved money more than just about anything.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.

He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!’ She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!”

She said, “Listen, I’m a Christian. I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.

“You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!?

“I sure did,” said the wife. “I wrote him a check.”

Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman.

 A man was called in for an audit by Revenue Canada. He asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

“Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper”, the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice, “Don’t let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie”.

Confused, the man went to his minister, told him of the conflicting advice, and asked him what he should do. “Let me tell you a story,” replied the minister. “A woman about to be married asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother told her to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Her friend told her to wear her most sexy negligee with a V-neck right down to her navel”.

The man protested, “But Reverend Sir, what does all this have to do with my problem with the Revenue Canada”?

Replied the reverend, “It doesn’t matter what you wear; you’re still going to get screwed”.

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.”

The barman says, “Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is lesbian.”

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas.

When the bartender asks what’s wrong, the man says,

“I just found out that my youngest son is lesbian, too!”

On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas.

The bartender says, “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, “Yeah, my wife!”

This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete gander change.

All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

“Oh no!” he moaned, “this means I’ll never be able to experience an self enjoyment ever again!”

“Of course you will,” one of the doctors soothed.

“It’ll just have to be someone else’s, that’s all.”

At one point during the game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head do you understand all that?”

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, “And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb bastard’, is it?”

Again the little boy nodded.

“Good,” said the coach.

“Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”

A man walked into a Manhattan bar and ordered a glass of white wine.

He took a sip of the wine and then he hurled the rest of the glass into the bartender’s face.

“Oh, I’m really sorry”, he said. “I keep doing that to bartenders. It’s a compulsion and I find it extremely embarrassing.”

The bartender was an amiable fellow and he was sympathetic to the man’s problem, despite the provocation.

As he wiped his face, he suggested the man see an analyst about his problem.

“Hey, another customer of mine is a psychiatrist with an excellent reputation. My brother and my wife both use him and they say he’s the best there is,” said the bartender.

About three months later the man returned to the bar again.

The bartender remembered him immediately. As he poured the man a glass of white wine he said, “Good to see you, buddy. Did you do what I suggested?”

“Yes I certainly did”, said the man. “I’ve been seeing the psychiatrist you recommended for two sessions every week.”

He then took a sip of his wine and again threw the rest of the glass into the bartender’s face.

As he wiped his face with a towel the flustered bartender spluttered, “That doctor doesn’t seem to be doing you any good.”

“On the contrary,” said the man. “He’s done me the world of good.”

“But you’ve just thrown wine in my face again,” responded the bartender.

“Yes, but I’m not embarrassed by it anymore,” said the man.