Dad: Who do you like more, Mum or Dad?

Little Johnny: BOTH

Dad: Ok if i go to America and your mum goes to Paris, where will you go.

Little Johnny: Paris…

Dad: That means you like your mum more?

Little Johnny: No, that means i like Paris

Dad: Ok if i go to Paris and your mum goes to America ,where will you go?

Little Johnny: America!

Dad: (Angry) Why! ?

Little Johnny: Well, coz l’ve been to Paris before!

Dad: (Angry) when did you go to Paris??

Little Johnny: In the first question you asked.

The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.

The wife said, ” Where are you, you know we have lots to do?!”

He said, “You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace?

I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?”

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up.

“Yes, I do remember that shop.” she replied.

“Well I am in the bar next to that.”

A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.

He got the car and became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.

One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.

The man agreed and said to the car,

“Car! Go and bring my children from school.”

The car went and didn’t return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.

Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.

He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station.

As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.

The car parked right in front of them and said,

“These are your children, sir.”

In the car, were their Landlady’s two daughters, their choir mistress’ two sons, his wife’s best friend’s daughter, their pastor’s son and their neighbour’s two sons.

The wife who was angry shouted at her husband,

“Don’t tell me all these are your children!”

The man asked her calmly,

“Can you first tell me why our children are not in the car?”

An old cowboy walks into a barber’s shop for a shave and a haircut.

Keen to ensure he gets the best shave possible, the cowboy explains to the barber that he can never get all his whiskers off because his cheeks were so wrinkled with age.

“That’s no problem,” said the barber.

He then reaches into a cabinet and pulls out a little wooden ball.

The barber then says to the cowboy, “Just put this inside your cheek. We’ll do each side in turn and it’ll spread the skin out. With this, I’ll be able to give you a really close shave.”

When the barber’s finished, the old cowboy is really pleased with the results.

“On my, that’s the cleanest shave I’ve had in years,” he says.

As he’s handing back the wooden ball to the barber, he’s curious.

“That little ball is a great idea, but what would’ve happened if I’d accidentally swallowed it?” asks the cowboy.

“That wouldn’t have been a problem,” said the barber. “You could have just brought it back in a couple of days, as everyone else does.”

A man is in a hotel lobby, He wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he acciedently bumbs into a woman besides him,

and as he does his elbow goes into her fronts. They are both quite starled.

The man turns to her and says, “ma’am if your heart is as soft as your fronts,

I know you’ll forgive me”. She replies, “if your tool is as hard as your elbow, im in room 436

Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning and his dad was making a lot of mistakes.

Suddenly his dad screams ” bitchss and asses!”

Johnny asks what it meant and his dad replied ” aunts and uncles” Oh.

Next thing he hears is “dikks and pusiees!” Johnny asks ” what’s that mean?”

To which his dad replied ” uh coats and hats.

“Oh next thing he know he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling ” fukking, fukk, fukk, Fukk”

” what does that mean dad?”

And his dad yells ” cut Johnny, it means cut!!!” Oh.

Next week is Thanks giving and the doorbell rings and Johnny answers it and says

” Hey bitchss and asses, hang your dikks and pussiees here, dad’s in the kitchen fukking the turkey.

Three fathers are talking about their sons.

The first father says, “my sons a successful doctor.

He’s so rich, he just bought his best friend a Lamborghini”.

The second father said, “my sons a successful hedge fund manager.

He’s so rich, he just bought his best friend a yacht”.

The third father says, “my sons the CEO of a big company.

He’s so rich he just bought his best friend a castle”.

Right then, a fourth father walks in and asks what they’re talking about.

The other three fathers say, “we’re talking about our successful sons, what does yours do?”

The fouth father says, “well my sons a gay stripper.”

The other three fathers say, “oh wow, you must be really disappointed.”

The fourth father replies with, “well not really, he’s doing really well.

His three boyfriends just bought him a Lamborghini, a yacht, and a castle

While he is slowly moving through the empty and dark house, he hears a strange voice voice coming from the darkness beyond, that said:

“Jesus is watching you!”

Surprised, the burglar points his flashlight at the direction of the sound, only to discover that the sound was made by a parrot.

Angry, the burglar says:

“So you are the little s.

that almost made me s.

my pants? Oh you winged rat, I should stew you in boiling water for that!”

The parrot then says:

“Saint Peter is watching you.”

Intrigued, the burglar says:

“I’ve lost my faith a long time ago, I don’t believe in any of these religious nonsense

What is your name, little bird?”

The parrot replies:

“My name is Judas.”

The burglar burts out laughting and asks:

“What kind of stupid jerk would name a parrot Judas?”

The parrot promptly responds:

“The same stupid jerk that named Jesus and Saint Peter the two Pit Bulls behind you.”