This old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $10”.

The teller told her, “for withdrawals less than $100, please use the ATM.

The old lady wanted to know why… The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her,

“These are the rules, please leave if there is no further matter. There is a line of customers behind you”.

The old lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said, “please help me withdraw all the money I have.”

The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance.

She nodded her head, leaned down, and respectfully told her, “you have $300,000 in your account but the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow?”

The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.

The teller told her any amount up to $3000.

“Well please let me have $3000 now.”

The teller kindly handed $3000 very friendly and with a smile to her.

The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account.

The moral of this story is don’t be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skill.

 

A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV.

The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks,

“What are you staring at?”

“A spider,” he replies.

“I don’t see anything,” she says.

“Oh, it must have fallen on your head,” he said calmly.

The wife jumps up screaming…

The man says, “While you’re up, can you get me another beer?”

Wife: Yesterday I saw a very beautiful girl.

Husband: Then what happened?

Wife: I just kept on admiring her, on and on..

Husband (gets irritated): WHAT happened then?

Wife smiled and said: I moved away from the mirror!

The wife checked her husband’s phone and found these names:

‘The tender one’

‘The amazing one’

‘Lady of my dreams,

She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.

Then she called the second number to which his sister replied.

When she dialed the third number her own phone rang.

She cried until her eyes got swollen because she had doubted her innocent husband,

so she gave him her whole month’s salary to make up for it.

Husband took the money and bought a gift for his girlfriend whose name was saved as

‘Uncle Mike the mechanic’

 

A boss said to his secretary I want to make love with you &  I will make it very fast.

I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I’ll be done.

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but “Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn’t even have

enough time to undressed himself.”

So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened?

She responds, “The Bastard used coins and I’m still picking up the coins.

My other wife is beautiful.

My wife doesn’t care what I do away from home, as long as I don’t enjoy it.

My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!

My wife says if I go fishing one more time she’s going to leave me. Gosh, I’m going to miss her.

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. — P J O’Rourke

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. — Honor de Balzac

Nothing says loving like marrying your cousin! — Al Bendy

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

A man goes into the doctor feeling a little ill.

The doctor checks him over and says,

“Sorry, I have some bad news… you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus”.

“It’s called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.

There’s no known cure, so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth”

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he’s never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320.

Then he gets the full house and wins $1000.

Then the Jack-Pot comes up and he wins $10,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,

“Mate, I’ve been here 20 years and I’ve never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the jack-pot on the same game card”.

“You must be the luckiest bloke on Earth!”

“Lucky?” he screamed. “I’ll have you know I’ve got Yellow 24”

“CRIKEY MATE!” says the bingo caller.

“You’ve won the meat raffle as well!”

A man dies and goes to Heaven.

When he arrives, he is greeted by one of the angels who says,

“Come with me, and I will show you where you will be staying.”

The man and the angel are walking alongside of the golden fence of Heaven,

And the man notices millions of clocks on the fence.

Out of curiosity he asks the angel,

“What are all these clocks for?”

The angel smiles,

“They are clocks for every person in the world,” he says,

“And they tick once for each time you lie.

There is Abraham Lincoln’s clock! It only ticked twice.

There is Moses’ clock! It’s never ticked once.”

Again, out of curiosity, the man asks,

“Where is Donald Trump’s clock?”

The angel calmly says,

“His clock is in God’s office.

He is using it as a ceiling fan.