A young lady is working at an old people’s home when she walks into an old gentleman’s room.

He’s holding a set of photographs and looks upset.

“What’s the matter?” She asks

“I’ve got no one to pass these onto when I go”. Says the old man, looking at his photos

“Let me show you” and he presents her with a photo of an old car, “this is my vintage E type Jaguar. It’s priceless and in pristine condition” “I’ll… I’ll let you have it if you just give me a quick flash of those lovely bre@sts.”

Interested in the prospect of inheriting the old man’s car and feeling a bit sorry for the old geezer, she agrees and proceeds to undress for him.

Looking visibly happier, he pulls out another photo,

“this is my house in Devon. It’s an 8 bedroom mansion with a swimming pool and 25 acres of land.”

“You can have it, only, I’d love to see those bre@sts bouncing up and down in front of me.”

She thinks about this for a few seconds, then agrees and proceeds to jump up and down topless in front of the old man.

Now vibrant, the old man grabs another photo and says

“here, look, this is my yacht off of the coast of Gibraltar.”

“It’s yours if you could just let me play with those spiffing bre@sts of yours for a couple of minutes.”

Deciding it’s worth it, she leans forward and lets the old man have a good fumble of her jubblies.

Wide-eyed and with a cheeky grin on his face, the old man says,

“thank you so much, my dear.”

He stands up and hands her the three photographs.

 

A Midwest farmer was describing his lifestyle to a touring group of city folks.

“One of the benefits of this profession,” he explained, “is that we have built-in weather predictions.”

“What do you mean by that?” asked one inquisitive visitor.

“When the cows are standing,” the farmer explained, “it means no rain is likely for the next twenty-four hours. When they’re lying down, it means it’s going to rain.”

“On our bus trip,” another visitor piped in, “I saw half the herd standing and the other half lying down. What does that mean?”

The farmer flashed a smile and answered, “That means half of them are wrong.

An Engineer and his wife were always fighting with each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The woman would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life.”

Neighbors feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared.

To everyone’s relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58.

Her husband had a closed casket at the wake.

After the burial, Engineer went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

His neighbors, concerned for his safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??”

The Engineer put down his drink and said, “Let her dig. I had her buried upside down.” These Engineers… I tell you… They think of everything.

 

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.

“Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.” said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn.

He thought for a moment and said: “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish… So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! – the husband became 92 years old.

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,

“Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression.

I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple.

I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples.

I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents.

I continued this system for a week, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $6.40.

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars.”

A police officer in Grafton stops at a local farm.

He talks with an old farmer, and tells him.

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”.

The farmer says, “Okay, but do not go in that field over there,” as he is pointing out the location.

The police officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me”.

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, and proudly displays it to the farmer.

“See the badge old man? this badge means I am allowed to go on any land … have I made myself clear”.

The farmer apologizes, nods and goes about his chores.

A short time later the old farmer hears loud screaming, looks up and sees the police officer running in front of the farmers Santa Gertrudis bull.

With every step the officer makes the bull gains two, only seconds before the bull reaches him.

The rancher drops his tools and stands up and yells.

“Your badge, Show him your badge!”

Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills.

Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.

He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole.

Ma says,

“Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road? He must be smart ’cause he’s a college gradjyate.”

So Pa drives down to the neighbour’s house and asks him,

“Mr College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it.”

The young’n tells him,

“Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.”

Pa thanks the neighbour, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.

He goes home and puts them under the outhouse.

He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air.

BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm.

Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.

Pa races to the outhouse throw open the door and asks,

“Ma, are you all right?”

As she pulls up her panties she says,

“Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen!”

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.

He was driving his partner nuts finally his exasperated partner said: “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”

The guy answered: “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man,” said his partner.

“You don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here!”