The old beady-eyed moderator in charge of the classroom stared towards the clock at the end of the room as the students furiously scribbled down the remainder of their answers, knowing that time was almost up.

Minutes later, the clock struck a new hour and the exam was over.

“YOUR TIME IS UP!” The grouchy supervisor barked, “Please hand in your papers into a pile on my desk.”

The students quietly got up, breathing sighs of relief as they quickly made a pile of test papers as they filed out of the classroom.

All except for one boy who was still finishing off his last answer.

He only finished 20 seconds after the rest of his classmates did, but when he got up to place his exam on the pile, the old man gestured for him to stop.

“Too late,” The old man sneered, “You should’ve handed in your paper earlier.”

The student’s mouth fell agape this wasn’t fair at all.

He stammered for a moment saying, “Hey, come on, I-I should be allowed to h-hand this in.”

Still, the old man refused.

Then the student said smugly, “Do you even know who I am?”

The old man looked up at him through his glasses, almost astounded by how smug this idiotic boy was acting.

“No, I do not,” The moderator replied.

Almost immediately, the student just said, “Good,” as he shoved his paper into the middle of the pile and then ran out of the room.

Three desperately ill men go to their doctor seeking help.

One is and alcoholic, One is a chain smoker and the other is gay.

The doctor tells the men if you indulge in any of your habits again you will die.

So the three men leave and then the alcoholic sees a bar and hears its loud music and can’t resist.

He orders a shot of whisky drinks it and suddenly drops down dead,

the other two men walk out side realizing how serious this is,

but then the chain smoker sees a half a cigarette on the ground still burning

so the gay guy says to the chain smoker.

“if you bend over to pick that up were both dead”

 

This is too good not to share. I asked a friend who has crossed 70 and is heading towards 80 what sort of changes he is feeling in himself? He sent me the following:

1. After loving my parents, my siblings, my spouse, my children and my friends, I have now started loving myself.

2. I have realized that I am not “Atlas”. The world does not rest on my shoulders.

3. I have stopped bargaining with vegetable and fruit vendors. A few pennies more is not going to break me, but it might, help the poor fellow save for his daughter’s school fees.

4. I leave my waitress a big tip. The extra money might bring a smile to her face. She is toiling much harder for a living than I am.

5. I stopped telling the elderly that they’ve already told that story many times. The story makes them walk down memory lane & relive their past.

6. I have learned not to correct people even when I know they are wrong. The onus of making everyone perfect is not on me. Peace is more precious than perfection.

7. I give compliments freely & generously. Compliments are a mood enhancer not only for the recipient, but also for me. And a small tip for the recipient of a compliment, never, NEVER turn it down, just say “Thank You.”

8. I have learned not to bother about a crease or a spot on my shirt. Personality speaks louder than appearances.

9. I walk away from people who don’t value me. They might not know my worth, but I do.

10. I remain cool when someone plays dirty to outrun me in the rat race. I am not a rat & neither am I in any race.

11. I am learning not to be embarrassed by my emotions. It’s my emotions that make me human.

12. I have learned that it’s better to drop the ego than to break a relationship. My ego will keep me aloof, whereas with relationships, I will never be alone.

13. I have learned to live each day as if it’s the last. After all, it might be the last.

14. I am doing what makes me happy. I am responsible for my happiness, and I owe it to myself. Happiness is a choice. You can be happy at any time, just choose to be!

I decided to share this for all my friends. Why do we have to wait to be 60 or 70 or 80, why can’t we practice this at any stage and age?

Three women sit in a beauty parlour talking about their husbands.

The first woman says, “Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn’t there!”

“I know!” the next woman says, “Last night my husband said he was going to his brother’s house, but when I called he wasn’t there.”

The third woman says, “I always know where my husband is.”

“Impossible!” both women exclaim,

“He has you completely fooled!”

“Oh no,” says the woman.

“I’m a widow.”

A man and a woman meet in an elevator.

“Where are you heading today?” the man asks.

“I’m going down to give blood.”

“How much do you get paid for giving blood?”

“About $20.”

“Wow,” says the man, “I’m going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100.”

The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

“Fancy meeting you again.

Where you off to today?”

“Sperm bank,” she says with her mouth full

A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story.

As she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done.

Then she came across the drawing of one little boy.

He was busy drawing a man driving an old car.

“In the backseat were two passengers—both scantily dressed.”

“It’s a lovely picture,” prompted the teacher, “but which story does it tell?”

The little boy seemed surprised at the question.

“Well,” he exclaimed, “doesn’t it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?”

The very snobbish wife was discussing the subject of Christmas presents with her maid.

“Now what about the butler?” the rich woman said.

“A set of wine glasses?” the maid suggested.

The woman frowned icily. “He doesn’t really need that. A butler never entertains.

He’ll get a tie.”

The maid grimaced, but said only, “What about a dress for Jenny, the serving girl?”

The woman frowned again.

“She doesn’t really need a new dress. She’ll only get in trouble.

We’ll get her another apron.”

The conversation continued in the same vein, and the maid was chafing at her employer’s arrogance when they reached her husband.

“I assume you want to get him something he really needs, madam?” the maid replied.

“Of course,” the woman replied.

“Then how about five more inches?

A blonde buys two horses and she can’t tell them apart.

So she asks the farmer next door what to do.

He says to cut one of their tails off.

So she does. But then the other horse’s tail gets caught in a bush and rips off.

So she can’t tell them apart again.

She asks the farmer for advice a second time.

He tells her to cut one of the horses ears.

So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence.

She is still confused.

She asks the farmer what to do.

He tells her to measure them.

She comes back and says,

“The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!”