Three guys are sitting in a bar. Suddenly the first guy’s phone rings,

he immediately answered it then without saying anything he ran out the door only to rush back,

quickly throws 10-dollar bills on the bar while muttering, “Damn I forgot to do the dishes, the wife’s on the way home.” Then he ran faster than before.

The second guy chuckled. “Take a look at that! You know around my house I call the shots,” he says as he got up and take out his wallet to pay for his drink.

“The moment I enter the house, when I clapped my hands twice, I got hot water immediately prepared for me.”

Then he proceeded walking towards the door, “…I hate washing the dishes with cold water.”

All these while the third guy just silently enjoying his drink. Taking each sip calmly with a satisfied look.

The bartender said, “Well, Sir, I guess you have your life well in order compared to those two. You are the master of your domain, right?”

The guy smiled and reply, “I don’t mean to brag, but last time I talked with my wife she was on her knees. All fours, even.”

“What did she say?” The bartender asked.

The third guy sipped his drink, then say: “Well, she said if I’m really a man then come out from under the bed.”

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror.

However, this does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

Then one day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now saying that her fronts are too small.

So the husband comes up with a suggestion, “If you want your fronts grow larger, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your fronts for a few seconds.”

Goes to fetch paper Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper.

And then once again, she stands in front of the mirror, this time rubbing paper between her fronts.

“How long will this take?” she asks. “They’ll grow slightly larger every day over the years,” he replies.

The wife stops, turns to him and says, “Wait, why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper every day will make my br**sts grow over the years?”

The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your bums, didn’t it?

 An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.

Then they heard voices.

Three men had broken into the greenhouse.

Scared, they called the police.

The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.

The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again.

He told Dispatch, “Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!”

In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!

One of the cops asked the old man, “I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them.”

The old man replied, “I thought you said, there weren't any officers available.”

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.

He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said.

“I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied.

“Let’s see what you got.”

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.

The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?”

“I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked.

“Between the first and second hole.” she replied.

He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their Daddy’s do.

Little Mary went first, “My daddy is a doctor and he saves people’s lives.”

“That’s wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail,” says Jane.

“Very good Jane. OK Johnny, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is dead,” says Johnny.

“Oh, I’m very sorry to hear that Johnny,” said the teacher, “what did he do before he died?”

“He turned blue and shit on the carpet.”

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes.

His boss asked what happened.

The man said, “I was sitting behind a big woman at church.

When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out.

She turned around and punched me square in the eye.”

“Where did you get the other shiner?” the boss asked.

“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”

A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Walmart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.

‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.’ he replies.

‘Put them back, we can’t afford them.’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.

‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful.’ replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.

‘On the PA system: ‘Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.’