Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance instead of jail time I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use, I’ll see you back in court Monday.”

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, “How did you do over the weekend?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”

“Seventeen people? That’s wonderful how did you do it? ”

“I used a diagram, your honor I drew two circles like this then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.”

“That’s admirable,” says the judge.

Then he turns to the second guy.

“And how did you do?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”

“Wow!” says the judge.

“156 people! How did you manage to do that?” “Well, I used a similar diagram,” the guy says.

“I drew two circles like this then I pointed to the little circle and said, ‘This is your bastard before prison‘”

The Husband and wife had a blazing row!

The hubby stopped talking to his wife.

The wife said, “I will count to 10. If you don’t start talking to me by then, I am going to my mother’s house!”

She started counting from 1 to 8 and stopped.

The impatient husband said, “Why did you stop? Complete the count and go!”

The wife replied, “See, you surrendered and started talking to me. Otherwise, I would have left! Now, I forgive you!”

A woman went to doctor’s office for her annual examination.

Suddenly, another older doctor noticed her burst out of the examination room, screaming as she ran down the hall.

He stopped the hysterical woman and asked her to sit down and relax.

Then, he asked her what she was so upset about.

A few minutes later, the older doctor marched back to the woman’s doctor and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children, and seven grandchildren… and you told her she was pregnant?”

The woman’s doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard, “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t I?”

The husband called the wife on the phone and said,

“Today I will bring dinner from the Second Wife”.

He came home and knocked.

And was knocked out!

He is in hospital now…

Actually, Second Wife is the name of a restaurant.

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.

He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, “That’ll be $5000.”

The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?”

The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program in C – very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage.

“That one’s even more expensive – $10,000! What does it do?”

“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own.

The price tag around its neck read $50,000.

He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”

The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but it says it’s a consultant.”

>

Grandpa was telling his young grandson what life was like when he was a boy.

“In the winter we’d ice skate on our pond. In the summer we could swim in the pond, and pick berries in the woods. We’d swing on an old tire my dad hung from a tree on a rope. And we had a pony we rode all over the farm.”

The little boy was amazed,, and sat silently for a minute.

Finally, he said, “Granddad, I wish I’d gotten to know you a lot sooner!”

The old lady, who was fully dressed, with her hair fashionably coifed and makeup perfectly applied. She was legally blind and moved to a nursing home today.

Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.

After several hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready.

As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, the director of the nursing home provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window.

“I love it,” the old lady stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

“Mrs. Jones, you haven’t seen the room …. just wait.”

“That doesn’t have anything to do with it,” she replied. “Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn’t depend on how the furniture is arranged, it’s how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.

It’s a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice – I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.

Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I’ll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I’ve stored away … just for this time in my life.”

Life is like having 2 bank accounts – one you withdraw from what you’ve put in; the other one you keep depositing happy memories.

Adam woke up suddenly, sweating all over.

“What’s the problem”, asked his wife.

“Are you OK?”

“I just dreamed that I died!” responded a shaken Adam.

“And it was so bad up there, and that’s why you’re sweating all over?” asked his wife.

A “You bet!” exclaimed Adam.

“I got up there, and was right in front of G-d himself, when he suddenly sneezed…..and I didn’t know what to say to him! Whoa was that traumatic!”