The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it,”

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?”

He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?” The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.”

Came the reply, “Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you’re down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.”

A one day little Johnny asks his dad if he can take a shower with him.

The dad says “yes, but don’t look down.”

So the johnny is in the shower with his dad and he looks down and asks what it is.

The dad replies it’s a snake.

Then he asks if he can take a shower with his mom.

She says “yes, but don’t look up or down.”

They are in the shower and the boy looks up and asks what it is.

The mom replies they’re her headlights.

Then he looks down and asks what it is.

She says it’s her bush.

Then the little johnny asks if he can sleep with his parents.

They reply “yes, but don’t look down.”

He is in bed and then looks down and yells “mommy, turn on your headlights.

The snake is going into the bush!

 

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the First house of the street.

A tall lady answered the door. Before she could speak,

the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room

and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

“Madam, if I could not clean this up within 5 minutes with the use of this new powerful Vacuum cleaner,

I will EAT all this dung!” exclaimed the eager salesman.

“Do you need chilly sauce or ketchup with that” asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, “Why, madam?”

“There’s no electricity in the house…” said the lady.

You should never lie if you've been unfaithful of course – but it can make for a funny story!

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy her a pack of cigarettes.

The man thinks that sounds like a great idea, since he needs to stretch his legs anyway.

However, upon arriving at the store he finds it closed, so he walks into a nearby bar to use their vending machine.

He buys the pack of cigarettes for his wife, and then notices that the bar is quite nice.

“Oh well, it is Friday after all,” he thinks, and sits down for a couple of beers. After a few minutes, a beautiful young woman walks up and starts talking to him. They share another couple of beers and eventually end up in her apartment.

After they've had some fun, the man looks at his clock and realizes it's already 3 AM.

He hurriedly starts putting on his clothes and says, “My wife's going to kill me. Do you have any baby powder?”

The woman gives him some baby powder, which he rubs on his hands before taking a taxi home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and yells, “Where the hell have you been?!”

The man replies, “Well, honey, it's like this

I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there, we had a few drinks, one thing led to another, and I ended up in bed with her.”

The wife crosses her arms and says, “Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!”

She sees his hands are covered with powder and says, “You damn liar! You went bowling again!”

 

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon.

Trying to assert himself right off the bat, he exploded,

“If it weren’t for my money, we wouldn’t be here at all!”

The wife replied,

“My dear, if it weren’t for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn’t on a honeymoon, nor would there be any we in the first place.”

Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old man walked by.

One of the old ladies called out, saying,

“We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”

The old man responded, “There is no way you can.”

One of the women said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and we can tell your exact age.”

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped.

They asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.

Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”

Standing with his pants around his ankles, the old gent asked,

“How in the world did you guess?”

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three ladies happily yelled in unison…

“We were at your birthday party yesterday!” 

A man and his wife went three days without talking after having an argument.

On an occasion, the man remembered that the next day he would have an early meeting in office.

As he needed to get up early, he decided to ask his wife to wake him up.

But he did not want to be a person who began the first conversation, so he wrote on a paper:

“You wake me up at 6 in the morning.”

When he got up in the morning, he looked at the clock and realized that it was 9 o’clock.

He was so angry and shouted:

“What’s wrong with you! What were you thinking? You are inconsiderate, you did not do what I asked you to do.”

His wife did not say anything and looked at the table a paper on which was written the following:

“It’s six o’clock, get up!”

 A farmer had five female pigs

Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them:

At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigs

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart

So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer,

“How will I know if they are pregnant?”

The other farmer replied

“If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant

If they're in the mud, they're not.”

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud

So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again

This continued each morning for more than a week

 Both farmers were worn out.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed

He called to his wife,

“Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.”

“Neither.” Yelled his wife

“They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.”