A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.

She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.”

Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.

And So Here We Are 2

She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.

Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.

Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked,

“Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”

“And so, here we are!”

I was due for an appointment with the gynaecologist later in the week.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.

Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said,

“My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?”

I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.

The rest of the day was normal. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom,

“Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied,…“No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

I’ll NEVER going back to that doctor ever!

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a cowboy

coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat,

gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks “Why in the world are you walking around like this?”

The Cowboy says, “Well it’s like this Sheriff .

I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her.

So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt… so I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts …so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me and says,

‘Now go to town cowboy… “And here I am.”

Two women are on a girls’ night out, both of them married, loyal and exemplary wives.

This night they have had one too many Bacardi Breezers and are unsteadily walking home.

 On the way they suddenly realize that they really have to pee, and lacking any proper facilities, they decide to sneak into a graveyard.

The first woman realizes that she has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and then throws it away.

Her friend, however, is wearing expensive lingerie and doesn’t want to resort to such methods. Instead, next to a grave she finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

Having finished, they both walk home, tipsy but happy.

 The next day, the first woman’s husband phones the second woman’s husband, furious:

 “You’ll never believe this! My wife came home last night not wearing any panties!”

“That’s nothing,” says the other man, “My wife came home with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said,”…

“From all of us at the Fire Station, we’ll never forget you.”

 

The umpteenth time Mrs Jones told her pastor,

“I’m so scared! My husband says he’s going to kill me if I continue to come to your church.”

“Yes, yes, my child,” replied the pastor, tired of hearing this before.

“I will continue to pray for you, Mrs Jones have faith – the Lord will watch over you.”

“Oh yes, he has kept me safe thus far, only.”

“Only what, my child?”

“Now he says if I keep coming to your church, he’s going to kill YOU!”

“Well,” said the pastor.

“Perhaps it’s time to check out that little church on the other side of town.”

A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination is over, he says,

“Okay, Doctor. In plain English what’s wrong with me?”

“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor,

“You’re just lazy.”

The man nods.

“Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts.

Making sure she goes through his line she leans over and asks if he’ll carry her groceries out to which he responds, “Sure lady”.

They no sooner get out of the store and she again leans over and whispers, “You know, I have an Itchy private part”, to which he responds, “You’ll have to point it out to me lady, all those Japanese cars look alike!!”

“Mom, can I have an animal cracker?” asked 3 year old Bob.

“Sure Bob,” said his mom.

“Open up the box, and take a few.”

Forty five minutes later Bob’s mother walked into the kitchen.

“Bob, why’d you spill out all of the animal crackers, and what are you looking for?”

“It said on the box not to eat it if the seal is broken.”

Bob replied “I spilled out the whole box, I looked through all of the animals but I can’t find any seals!”