A grandmother who took her little grandson to the beach.

They were having a good time until a huge wave came in and swept the boy out to sea.

She fell down on her knees and pleaded to the heavens, “Please return my grandson, that’s all I ask! PLEASE!!!”

A moment later, lo and behold, a wave swelled from the ocean and deposited the wet, yet unhurt child, at her feet.

She checked him over to make sure that he was okay.

He was fine. But still she looked up to the heavens angrily and said, “When we came he had a hat!”

Wife sent text to husband.

“Hi I will get late, please cook dinner, then wash all dirty dishes and make sure you prepare our bed and put kids to sleep before I return…..

She sent another text,

“And I forgot to mention…. I have also bought a bottle of BLUE LABEL PREMIUM SCOTCH WHISKY for you……

He texted _“ really ?”

She replied, “No…. I just wanted to make sure you got my first message”

A very drunk elderly lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered,

“Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy.”

The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.

“Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy”,

again the bartender brought her a Martini.

By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on.

She called,

“Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn.”

Patiently, the bartender came near her and said,

“Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your t!ts are hanging in the ashtray.”

I got chatting to a girl in a club.

“Can I buy you a drink ?” I asked.

“Have you not got a girlfriend ?” she replied, “Guys like you always have girlfriends.”

“No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago,” I assured her.

“Oh I’m sorry to hear that,” she said, “Go on then, I’ll have a white wine please.”

A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.

While I was putting my clothes back on she said, “So, you’re good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed.

Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend ?”

I said, “My wife found out.”

bedroom and I’m St. Peter.”

​

Brian was stunned “You mean I’m dead!? That can’t be; I have so much to live for. I haven’t said goodbye to my family and friends. You’ve got to send me back straight away.”

​

St. Peter replied ” Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.”

​

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

​

This isn’t so bad he thought, until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

​

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you are the new hen. How are you enjoying your first day here? “

​

“It’s not so bad” replies Brian ” but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode.”

​

“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.”

​

“Never” replies Brian.

​

“Well just relax and let it happen.”

​

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.

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An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

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When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him ever!

​

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting …

​

“Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting in the bed”.

A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.

After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.

“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”

“Simple. I’m not going.”

“Why not?”

“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.

First of all, the church is cold in the morning.

It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me.

Everyone is always talking about me behind my back.

And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”

“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you ARE going.

First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm.

Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.”

When Big Peter McFlannel dies in Glasgow,

his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once,

so she goes to the newspaper and says;

“I’d like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband”

The man at the desk says “OK, how much money dae ye have?”

The old woman replies “£5” to which the man says;

“You wont get many words for that but write something and we’ll see if it’s ok”.

So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads

“Peter McFlannel, fae Parkheid, deid”.

The clerk feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things.

The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hands the paper over the counter again.

The clerk then reads “Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale”

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish.

By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, “Sir, I’m afraid there has been a mistake.

You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish.

The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house.

I’m afraid I’ll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!”

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.

The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.

A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man’s table and says, “Listen and listen good.

That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I’ll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I’ll do the same to you.

You pull out one of its legs, I’ll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I’ll break one of your arms!”

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird’s rectum, pulls it out and licks it.

He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, “Go ahead!”