Three  women die together in an accident And go to heaven.

When they get there, St

Peter says, “We only  have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St

Peter with the ugliest  man she ever saw

St

Peter chains them together and says, “Your  punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly  man!”

The next  day, The second  woman steps accidentally on a duck And along comes St

Peter,   Who doesn't miss a thing

With him is another extremely ugly man.

He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks,

But One day  St

Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on….

Very  tall, long eyelashes, muscular

St

Peter chains them together without saying a word

The happy woman says,

“I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?” The guy says,

“I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost

She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would Walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, ‘Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket

Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' ‘Why, thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says, ‘Let's take my short cut and go down this alley

We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.

How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose

How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

An executive was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech.

When the executive returned from the big event, he was furious.

“Why did you write me an hour-long speech?” he demanded to know.

“Half the audience walked out before I finished.”

The employee was baffled.

“I wrote you a 20-minute speech,” he replied.

“I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for.”

A blonde travels to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack.

She meets a foreman of a logging organization who offers to give her a job.

“Now, I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day,” the foreman told her.

The blonde woman didn’t see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best.

She came back drenched in sweat.

“Gees lady, how many trees did you cut down?” asked the foreman.

“6” she replied.

“What!?” You have to do better than that.

Get up earlier tomorrow!”

So she did.

Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted.

“How many this time?” asked the foreman.

“12” she said.

The foreman says, “That does it. I’m coming out there with you tomorrow morning!”

The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, “This is how to cut down trees really quickly.”

He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUUUMMM.

He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically, so he asks her what’s wrong.

And she replies, “What the hell is that noise?”

So this police officer is nearing the end of his shift and really pissed that he hasn’t caught anyone up to this point.

As he sits in his car and looks at the clock, this speeding car flies by so fast that the police cruiser rocks back and forth.

The police officer turns on his lights, hits the accelerator and launches after the speeding car.

When the car came to a stop, the officer gets out, pissed as hell.

As he’s walking to the car, he’s thinking that this poor souls is about to get it as they were well over 140 mph.

As he gets up the window he sees that this teenage boy is sitting in the drivers seat waiting.

The window was already down and the boy was already nervous.

The cop stares at the kid with this crazy mean face and says, “Son, I’ve been waiting for you all day…” To the cop’s surprise, the boy replies, “Well…I got here as fast as I could!”

A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students.

She explains that humans are the only animals that can stutter.

A little girl in the back raises her hand and says “No ma’am, I had a cat who stuttered.”

The teacher knowing how precious these stories could be asked her to explain.

The little girl stands up and says, “Well, we had this big tabby cat that liked to annoy the rottweiler next door and one day the rottweiler got loose and jumped the fence.”

She continued, “My cat said fff, fff, fff, but before she could finish saying bang the rottweiler ate her.

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turnaround, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old man.

He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.

The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.

A man lay sprawled across three seats in the cinema.

When the usherette came by and noticed this, she whispered to the old man “Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat”.

The old man didn't budge

The usherette became more impatient.

She said “Sir, if you don't move from there I'm going to have to call the manager.”

Once again the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usherette marched briskly up the aisle, and returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old dishevelled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly, then asked “All right mate, whats your name?”

“Fred” the old man moaned.

“Where you from, Fred?” asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied…

“THE BALCONY!”