A man came home from work. And found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. And he was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.

Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

What Happened Here Today?

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”

“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”

One day at school, little Charlie needed to go to the restroom quite urgently.

He raised his hand. The strict substitute teacher asked him to say the full alphabet before she would let him go.

“But Miss, I am bursting to go,” said Charlie.

“You may go, but after you say the full alphabet,” declared the teacher.

“A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z,” he said.

Catching his mistake, the substitute asked, “Charlie, where is the ‘P?’”

He answered, “Halfway down my legs, Miss.”

The priest says, “Oh heavens, I forgot my lures back on land” and steps out of the boat, walks across the water back to the land, and grabs his lures before walking back to the boat.

The atheist was astounded, but before he could make sense of the situation, the rabbi says, “Oh Yahweh help me, I forgot my bait!”

And he also steps out of the boat, and walks across the water back to the land to grab his bait, before walking back to the boat.

The atheist was stunned, but refusing to believe in divinity of any sort or it's impact on the world, he says, “Yeah… I left my extra line on land”.

The atheist hops out of the boat and, “SPLASH!“, he sinks right through to the bottom of the lake.

After a moment the priest looks at the rabbi and says,

“Come to think of it, we probably should have told him where the rocks were.”

The wife calls her Scientist Husband.

“Honey ! It’s Saturday night you are late”…

Husband: “I am busy with my team in an experiment.”

Wife: “What’s that experiment?”

Scientist Husband:

“We’ve just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambient temperature H2O and aqueous CO2, to cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O.

Now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapors of nicotine.

It’s a 4 or 5 round experiment, So I will be late.”

Wife: “Oh dear. I won’t disturb you, You take your time”.

Clarifications:- * C2H5OH (whiskey) * H2O(water) * CO2(soda) * Solidified H2O(ice) * Protein(chicken tikka) * Fumigating (smoking)

doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning madam. You don’t know me but I’ve come to….” “Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Smith cut in.

“Really..?” the photographer asked. “Well, good..! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”

“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start..?” asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.”

“Bathtub, living room floor..? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”

“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”

“I hope we can get this over with quickly,” gasped Mrs. Smith.

“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”

“Don’t I know!!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.”

“Oh my God..!!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

“And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.” The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

“She was difficult ..?” asked Mrs. Smith.

“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.”

“Four and five deep..?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

“Yes”, the photographer said. “And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your, eh……equipment?”

“That’s right. Well madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”

“Tripod..??”, Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

“Oh Good God Yes..! I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.

It’s much too big for me to hold while I’m getting ready for action.

Madam..? Madam..?….. Good Lord, she’s fucking fainted..!

A wife is having lovemaking with her husband’s best friend one day.

Soon the phone rings, so she answers it.

“Yes… uh, huh… OK… yes… bye.”

Her husband’s best friend says: “Who was it?”

“That was my husband,” she replied.

The man jumped out of bed, and tried to put on his clothes in a hurry.

“Relax,” said the wife.

“He just called to tell me he was out playing golf with you”

This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday.

I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps.

My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else

I agreed to do the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making

He did.

I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity

It was very good

I did this, also with the fourth bottle.

One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was.

I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.

Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting old

The first one said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady says, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one says, ” Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have any of those problems, knock on wood.” As she hit her knuckles on the table she looked up and said, “That must be the door… I'll get it!”