Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school

He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town.

He really wanted to impress everyone

He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.

One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk to his office

He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone

He motioned the man in, all the while saying,

“No

Absolutely not

You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than $1 million

Yes.

The appeals court has agreed to hear that case next week

I'll be handling the primary argument, and the other members of my team will provide support.

Okay

Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.”

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes

All the while, the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions

Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.

“I'm sorry for the delay,” he said, “but as you can see, I'm very busy

What can I do for you?”

The man replied, “I'm from the phone company

I came to hook up your phone.”

There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house.

The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, “I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?”

“My name is Elizabeth,” the woman replied.

The intruder said, “You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can’t kill you.”

The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, “What is your name?”

“My name’s Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth.”

After several exciting dates, Jim invited Tina over to his house for a home-cooked dinner.

When she sat down at the table, she noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that she had ever seen in her life.

“Have these dishes ever been washed?” Tina asked, running her fingers over the grit and grime.

Jim replied, “They’re as clean as soap and water could get them.”

Tina felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating.

It was really delicious and she said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, Jim took the dishes outside, whistled and yelled, “Here, Soap! Here, Water!”

Another Joke: Watch Out For Themselves

Farmer Jones picked a big red apple and handed it to the boy saying, “Watch out for worms.”

“When I eat apples,” replied the boy, “the worms have to watch out for themselves.

An old couple, Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later the old man Abe turns to his wife and asks,
“Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,
“Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?”

“Oy, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks.

“Oh, forgive me, Abie,” begged Esther.

“I didn’t send that one, either.”

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him,
“So, why did you kiss me?”

Abe answers,
“They’ll find us.”

The morning sun painted the bedroom in a warm glow as Harold and Evelyn, a senior couple married for over four decades, lay intertwined in each other’s arms. The previous night had been nothing short of magical, thanks to a small blue pill that had added a spark to their love life. As they basked in the afterglow of their passionate night, Harold couldn’t help but marvel at the renewed energy that had surged through their aging bodies.

The aroma of freshly brewed coffee wafted through the air, enticing them out of bed. Evelyn, with a playful glint in her eye, suggested they try making breakfast together. They shuffled into the kitchen, still wrapped up in the warmth of their love. The sun streamed through the curtains, casting a golden hue on their cozy kitchen.

As they prepared breakfast, laughter and whispered conversations filled the air. The simplicity of cracking eggs and flipping pancakes became a shared delight, a joy that seemed to echo the newfound vitality they had discovered the night before. Harold couldn’t help but notice the mischievous twinkle in Evelyn’s eyes as she moved around the kitchen, her smile a testament to the joy they were experiencing together.

With breakfast ready, they sat down at the table, the aroma of sizzling bacon filling the room. Evelyn glanced at Harold, her eyes twinkling with a mix of love and humor. “Would you like some bacon, dear?” she asked, a playful glint in her voice. Harold chuckled, realizing the subtle reference to the events of the previous night.

He looked at Evelyn, a deep affection in his eyes, and replied, “Absolutely, my love. I’ll take some bacon, and maybe a side of that mischievous smile of yours.” They both burst into laughter, the kind that only comes from years of shared experiences and a love that has weathered the tests of time.

The morning unfolded into a delightful continuation of their newfound connection. They took a leisurely stroll through the neighborhood, hand in hand, reminiscing about the early days of their relationship. The sunlit streets seemed to mirror the warmth in their hearts, and the world felt like a canvas painted with the vibrant colors of love.

As the day progressed, Harold and Evelyn found themselves relishing the simple pleasures of life. They shared stories, dreams, and quiet moments, savoring the beauty of being together. The decision to try something new had not only ignited the flames of passion but had also opened a door to rediscovering the depth of their bond.

As the sun dipped below the horizon, casting a warm glow over the landscape, Harold and Evelyn found themselves on the porch, wrapped in blankets, gazing at the stars. The night sky seemed to whisper secrets of a love that had only grown stronger with time. And as they held each other close, they realized that sometimes, it’s the smallest moments that have the power to make a lifetime unforgettable.

 

One day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless sundress walks into a bar.

She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink?”

The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, a skinny little piss head slams his hand on the bar and says, “Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a drink.”

The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.

After she’s completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points around at all of them, again revealing the hairy armpit, saying, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink?”

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the barman, “Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink.”

After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little drunkard and says, “It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?”

To which, the drunk replies, “Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina.”

When Pat and Mike met each other on the street one day, Pat noticed that Mike had a terrible cold.

“Have you seen a doctor about that cold?” he asked.

“No,” said Mike, “But I probably should

Do you know a good doctor?”

Pat gave him the name of his own doctor and assured him that he'd be in good hands.

About a week later, they met again and Pat wasn't sure if the cold was really better.

“Did you see my doctor?” Pat inquired.

“Oh, yeah,” Mike replied

He was a really nice guy!”

“Well, did he give you something to help your cold”?

“Sure did!” Mike answered, somewhat enthusiastically

“He told me to drink a big glass of fresh orange juice after a hot bath.”

“Well, did it help?” Pat asked hesitantly.

“How do I know?” Mike retorted

“I haven't even finished drinking the bath yet!”

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

 

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

 

The woman seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers.  As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

 

“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

 

“Actually, no,” he replied.

 

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

 

“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathed the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”

 

“Yes. I need for you to give him a message,” she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

 

“What should I tell him?” the flustered bartender managed to stammer.

 

“Tell him,” she whispered, “There’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”