Two men were marooned on an Island.

One man pased back and forth worried and scared while the other man sat back and was sunning himself.

The first man said to the second man, “arn’t you afraid we are about to die.”

“No,” said the second man, “for you see I make $100,000 per week and I tithe faithfully to my church ever week. My Pastor will find me.”

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”

The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.”

She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added,

“For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”

 

A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on.

The woman reporter shouted out “This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!”. Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, “I bet you $50 that the man’s gonna jump!” The blonde responds back “That’s a bet you have there!”.

So, both of the women stared at the news waiting to know what’s gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said “I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin’, I knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff.”

And the blonde says “Well, I did too! But I never would have thought that the man would do it again!”

This is the letter that the man wrote to his wife:

Dear Wife,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. …

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Advertisement Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.

You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want $ex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your Sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Response from Wife

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It’s true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping Too bad that doesn’t work.

I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out.

So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

 

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

“What happened Paddy ?” she asks anxiously.

“What happened!! I’ll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.

I get home… and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean,  with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!

This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”

“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law.

“There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing!

There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

“Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation …… she never got your E-mail!” 

A very sick woman on her sick bed said to her husband: Honey if I die, how long would it take you before you marry a another wife…?!

The man replied: Till your grave becomes dry my love.

Then she said: Are you promising me this…?

Husband replied: Of course darling… I promise you.

And after her demise, her husband began to visit her grave everyday for a period of one year.

And the grave was always wet, it never became dry…!!!

And a day came when he visited the graveyard in the evening, he found her brother in the graveyard.

He then asked him: Jason what are you doing here…?

He replied: I’m fulfilling the wish of my only sister. She said I should please come here everyday to wet her grave.

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

“There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.

“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.

“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.

“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the operation.”

 

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them,

“I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken

In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs.”

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stories.

The three of them agreed that, to make it less boring,

Al would tell the other two his funniest stories while they climbed from floors 1 to 25, Ben would tell his scariest stories from floors 26 to 50, and Carl would tell his saddest stories from floors 51 to 75

And

They started to climb the stairs, and Al started to tell funny stories.

By the time they reached the 25th floor, Ben and Carl were laughing hysterically.

Then Ben started to tell scary stories.

By the time they reached the 50th floor, Al and Carl were hugging each other in fear.

Then Carl started to tell sad stories.

“I'll tell my saddest story of all first,” he said.

“There once was a man named Carl who left his hotel room key in the car.