A woman goes into a dirty toy shop to buy a wanker.

She sees one behind the counter and tells the salesman, “I want that one!”

He replies, “It’s not for sale.”

The woman says, “Please I want that one,” again he says it’s not for sale.

The woman says, “I’ll give you a hundred dollars for it.” and the salesman says, “Well, okay.

Five minutes later, his boss walks in and asks, “How’s business today?”

The salesman replied, “It’s pretty slow but I just made a hundred dollars off of my thermos.”

Little Johnny was busy sleeping in the class when the lesson was going on.

The teacher caught him and asked him.

Teacher: Why are you sleeping while I was teaching? You are not listening!

Little Johnny: Madam, your voice was so sweet, that’s why I slept off.

Teacher: Then why are others not sleeping?

Little Johnny: Because they are not listening.

Teacher: Ok, if you said you were listening, give me 10 examples of wild animals!

Little Johnny: Hahahahahaha, na this I can’t answer? Common ten examples of wild animals? Ma, the question is too cheap.

Teacher: Just answer it.

Little Johnny: Ok! Ten examples of wild animals are: 4 lions, 3 cobras, 2 tigers and 1 gorilla.

Teacher fainted.

A man and a woman were dating.

She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad.

In fact, he had never even seen her undressed.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.

“I can’t stand it anymore,” she told him.

“Let’s play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I’ll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and speed up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her T-shirt.

At 60 off came the pants.

At 65 it was her br** and at 70 her undergarment.

Now seeing her undressed for the first time and travelling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car.

He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree.

His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped.

She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

“Go to the road and get help,” he said.

“I don’t have anything to cover myself with!” she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

“You’ll have to put this between your legs to cover it up,” he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver.

Seeing a undressed, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

“My boyfriend! My boyfriend!” she sobs, “He’s stuck and I can’t pull him out!”

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, “Ma’am, if he’s in that far, I’m afraid he’s a goner!”

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.

“No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”

“You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”

The repairman could contain himself no longer.

“Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”

Once upon a time an old man and a young man were living nearby.

The old man spread rumors that his young neighbor was a thief.

As a result, the young man was arrested by the police and brought to magistrate.

Days later the young man was proven innocent.

After been released he sued the old man for wrongly accusing him.

In court the old man told the Judge:

He just made comments, didn’t harm anyone..

The judge, before passing sentence on the case, told the old man:

Write all the things you said about him on a piece of paper.

Cut them up and on the way home, throw the pieces of paper out.

Tomorrow, come back to hear the sentence.

The next day, the judge told the old man:

Before receiving the sentence, you will have to go out and gather all the pieces of paper that you threw out yesterday.

The old man said:

I can’t do that ! The wind spread them and I won’t know where to find them.

The judge then replied:

The same way, simple comments may destroy the honor of a man to such an extent that one is not able to fix it.

“If you can’t speak well of someone, rather don’t say anythıng.”

Let’s all be masters of our mouths, so that we won’t be slaves of our words.

An atheist was walking through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful

rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the

river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as

he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the

bear was right on top of him,reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

“You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit

creation to cosmic accident.”

“Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a

believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly

ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”

“Very well,” said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

Jack is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks “Have you got the time?”

Jack sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist.

“It’s a quarter to six,” he says.

“Hey, that’s a pretty fancy watch!” exclaims the stranger.

Jack brightens a little. “Yeah, it’s not bad. Check this out” – and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolis.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says, “The time is eleven ’til six” in a very West Texas accent.

A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.

Jack continues “I’ve put in regional accents for each city”.

The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.

“That’s not all,” says Jack.

He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi- resolution map of New York City appears on the display.

“The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning,” explains Jack.

“View recede ten,” Jack says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

“I want to buy this watch!” says the stranger.

“Oh, no, it’s not ready for sale yet; I’m still working out the bugs,” says the inventor.

“But look at this,” and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books,” though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far” says Jack.

“I’ve got to have this watch!” says the stranger.

“No, you don’t understand; it’s not ready.”

“I’ll give you $1000 for it!”

“Oh, no, I’ve already spent more than -”

“I’ll give you $5000 for it!”

“But it’s just not -”

“I’ll give you $15,000 for it!” And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.

Jack stops to think. He’s only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months.

The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him.

“Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it.”

Jack abruptly makes his decision.

“OK,” he says, and peels off the watch.

They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

“Hey, wait a minute,” calls Jack after the stranger, who turns around warily.

Jack points to the two suitcases he’d been trying to wrestle through the bus station.

“Don’t forget your batteries.”

A dear old lady was staying in a hotel in a small country town and could not get to sleep because of the noise emanating from a party on the ground floor. At first, she bore it stoically. But at about 2 A.M., when the screams and screeches were louder than ever, she phoned the front desk to ask what was going on.

“Oh, they’re holding a Policemen’s Ball” replied the clerk.

“Well,” said the old lady, “isn’t it about time they let go?”