A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked,

“Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”

“Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.”

“Wow,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

“I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.

How long have you had arthritis?”

“I don't have it, Father

I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well.

The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.

They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.

Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.

He was astonished at what he saw.

With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.

He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.

The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.

Each of our troubles is a steppingstone.

We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!

Shake it off and take a step up.

NOW ——– Enough of that crap…

The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him.

The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON:

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

Two elderly, excited women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.

When this preacher condemned the sin of lust, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs…”AMEN, BROTHER!”

When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, they yelled again…”PREACH IT, REVEREND!”

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying…they jumped to their feet and screamed, “RIGHT ON, BROTHER…TELL IT LIKE IT IS…AMEN!”

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet, and one turned to the other and said, “He’s done quit preaching and now he’s meddling’.

In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no Ark.

“Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark ‘s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.”

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”

Two Irishmen, Paddy and Ryan, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.

While rummaging through the lifeboat’s provisions, Paddy came across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously and to Paddy’s amazement, a genie came forth.

This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Paddy blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness!”

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Ryan looked disgustedly at Paddy whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Paddy! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked that was the problem, she responded, “Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my melons get hard.”

Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked, “Your melons get hard?”

“Yes” quite innocently came her reply.

“Undress so I can check” replied the still amazed doc.

So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer.

After some considerable time, the doctor, still looked puzzled, said, “Well madame, I don’t know what you have, but it sure as hell is contagious!”

A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room.

She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.

Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.

Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.

“Miss Smith,” he said finally, “it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.”

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.

Sid asks Abe,

“Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico ?”

Abe replies, “I don't know, let's ask our waiter.”

When the waiter arrives, Abe asks,

“Are there any Mexican Jews?”

The waiter says,

“I don't know senor, I ask the cooks.”

He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says,

“No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews.”

Abe isn't satisfied and asks,

“Are you absolutely sure?”

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with “Gringos” replies,

“I check once again, senor,” and goes back into the kitchen.

While the waiter is away, Sid says,

“I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico ..Our people are scattered everywhere.”

The waiter returns and says,

“Senor, the head cook Manuel, he says there is no Mexican Jews.”

“Are you certain?” Abe asks again.

“I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!”

“Senor, I ask EVERYONE,” replies the exasperated waiter.

“All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexica n Jews.”