A man lay sprawled across three seats in the cinema.

When the usherette came by and noticed this, she whispered to the old man “Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat”.

The old man didn't budge

The usherette became more impatient.

She said “Sir, if you don't move from there I'm going to have to call the manager.”

Once again the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usherette marched briskly up the aisle, and returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old dishevelled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly, then asked “All right mate, whats your name?”

“Fred” the old man moaned.

“Where you from, Fred?” asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied…

“THE BALCONY!”

This is the letter that the man wrote to his wife:

Dear Wife,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. …

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Advertisement Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.

You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want $ex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your Sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Response from Wife

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It’s true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping Too bad that doesn’t work.

I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out.

So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.

Finally, on the third day, as he was frantically looking for a clean shirt, he asked where they were.

“Oh,” I said, “So now you’re speaking to me.”

He looked confused and asked, “What are you talking about?”

“Haven’t you noticed I haven’t spoken to you for three days?” I challenged.

“No,” he said, “I just thought we were getting along.”

An Irishman was captured by a remote African tribe.

Impressed by his pleas for mercy, the chief (who had a remarkable grasp of English) offered him the opportunity to survive, if he undertook The Three Huts Ordeal.

“I’ll do it,” said Mick. “What is it?”

“In the first hut,” said the chief, “there is a barrel of our local liquor. You must drink all of it within the hour. In the second hut there is a lion with a bad tooth – that’s him roaring in there. You must remove that tooth. In the third hut there is a woman with an insatiable sexual appetite. You must satisfy her. Perform all three tasks successfully and you will go free.”

“I’ll do it,” said Mick (though harbouring some minor doubts as to the political correctness of the tasks involved).

Needless to say, his bravado was greeted with scorn and incredulity.

He was thrust into the first hut, the door locked behind him. Twenty minutes later, there was a loud banging on the door.

“I’ve finished it!”

The chief orders that the barrel be checked. Sure enough, he’s drunk the lot.

They push him into the second hut. The lions roaring reaches a crescendo, then subsides. The tribesmen wait, convinced that Mick has been killed.

“I’ve finished!”

They open the door. The lion is lying there peacefully.

Mick staggers out. “Now,” he slurs, “where’s your woman with the bad tooth?”

A couple want to have children but the wife can’t get pregnant.

A couple want to have children but the wife can’t get pregnant …so they go to see a priest for advice.

The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he’s leaving tomorrow.

As soon as I’ll get there, I’ll immediately light a candle for you,’ he promises. Time passes and the priest returns to the little town after 10 years. The first thing he does is visit the couple’s home. He can hear a crazy loud noise when he knocks on the door. The wife opens the door; three little children on her arms, a couple of them hiding under her skirt, and others behind her playing around. The priest counts as many as ten of them!

‘Well this is quite a pleasant surprise,’ exclaims the priest. ‘It seems like God listened to my prayer. But where is your dear husband?’

‘My husband traveled to Rome,’ says the wife with a tired look on her face.

‘To Rome? Why on earth would he go to Rome?’ ‘To blow out that bloody candle you lit!’

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely” to them.

To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raised his hand and said “The sky is definitely blue”.

The teacher said, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy”.

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”

The teacher again replies “If grass doesn’t get enough water it turns brown, so that isn’t really correct either.”

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher “Do farts have lumps?”

The teacher looked at him and said “No…But that isn’t really a question you want to ask in class discussion.”

So the student replies, “Then I definitely shit my pants.

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.

Satan walked up to the man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”

The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

Satan asked, “Aren’t you going to run?”

“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”

It’s the middle of the night, pouring rain, and a man’s car breaks down in the middle of nowhere…

He sees a farmhouse in the distance and walks to it.

After knocking on the front door, a farmer opens it and greets the man. Inside, the man sees the farmer’s beautiful wife and daughter.

The man tells the farmer about his situation and the farmer is sympathetic, allowing the man to stay the night.

However, the farmer allows the man to stay the night under one condition, “You gotta spend the night ’ the barn. And don’t put your  in them knotholes.”

The man is puzzled, but grateful.

After entering the barn, the man tries to go to sleep, but is incredibly uncomfortable sleeping in the barn.

He tries everything, but just can’t get to sleep. Finally, he decides to in an effort to help him sleep.

While halfway through playing with himself, curiosity overwhelms him and he attempts to stick his ‘ in the first knothole.

It’s clearly a  and it feels amazing. After a little while, enjoying himself, he sticks his  in the second knothole.

This one feels even better than the first. Close to climax, the man puts his in the third knothole.

At this point, the farmer is woken up by the screams.

After entering the barn, the farmer sees the man crying in the fetal position.

The man asks, “For the love of God, what was behind the third knothole?”

The farmer replies, “Automatic milk machine. Don’t stop ’till it gets five gallons!”