Suddenly, it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

The other looked at her in surprise and asked, “Whats that?”

The second lady replied, “A condom

This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.”

“That's ingenious!  But where did you get the condom?

The second lady replied,  “You can get them at any drugstore.”

The next day, the first lady hobbled herself into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy seemed quite embarrassed at hearing this coming from an 83 year old lady, and looked at her with surprise.

“A-alright ma'am

Which brand of condoms do you prefer?”

The old lady replied, “Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.”

Gabe and Fred, two old friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Gabe didn’t show up. Fred didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Gabe hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Fred really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Fred didn’t know where Gabe lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month passed, and Fred figured he had seen the last of Gabe, but one day, Fred approached the park and – lo and behold!- there sat Gabe! Fred was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, “For crying out loud Gabe, what in the world happened to you?”

Gabe replied, “I have been in jail.”

“Jail!” cried Fred. “What in the world for?”

“Well,” Gabe said, “you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?”

“Yeah,” said Fred, “I remember her. What about her?”

“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 85 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I plead ‘guilty’.”

“The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.”

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse,” she hears him mumble from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don't know, Sir.  I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

Again, she hears him mumble, “Nurse, please check for me.  Are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, “There's nothing wrong with them, Sir.  They look fine.”

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

“Thank you very much.  That was wonderful.  Now listen very, very, closely:

“Are – my – test – results – back?”

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/ West Virginia Stateline. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn’t want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”

A guy was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The guy asked, “Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?”

The old man replied, “I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your shirt.”

The guy shouted, “I don't want a tie, you idiot! I need water!”

“OK, don't buy a tie

But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that dune there, about five miles down, there is a nice restaurant my brother runs

Go over that way, they'll give you all the water you want.”

The guy thanked him and walked away towards the dune and eventually disappeared.

Three hours later the guy came crawling back to where the old man was sitting behind his card table.

The old man said, “I told you, about five miles over that dune

Couldn't you find it?”

The guy rasped, “I found it

They wouldn't let me in without a tie.”

Little Johnny was sitting on the bench in the park.

Suzie comes along chomping on her bubblegum.

Suzie asked, “You wanna play doctor?”

Johnny replied, “No, that too old fashioned. Spit out you gum, I wanna play president.”

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier:

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules

So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel.

There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral

He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: August 16th, 2010

I know you're surprised to hear from me.

They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in

I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S

It's hot down here!

 girl was having an affair while her father was at work

One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her father's car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover

“And jump out the window

My father's home early!”

“I can't jump out the window!” came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets

“It's raining out there!”

“If my father catches us in here, he'll kill us both!” she replied.

“He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!”

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.

He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could.

It wasn't that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

“Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.

“Oh yes” he replied, gasping in air

“It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running.”

Another runner moved alongside

“Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?”

“Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly

“That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried

“Do you always wear a condom when you run?”

“Only if it's raining.”