A husband went to the police station to file a “missing person” report for his missing wife:

Husband: “I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn’t come back yet.”

Inspector: “What is her height?”

Husband: “I never checked.”

Inspector: “Slim or healthy?”

Husband: “Not slim, she can be healthy.”

Inspector: “Colour of eyes.”

Husband: “Never noticed.”

Inspector: Colour of hair?”

Husband: “It changes according to season.”

Inspector: “What was she wearing?”

Husband: “Not sure. It may have been a dress or maybe a suit.”

Inspector: “Was she driving?”

Husband: “Yes.”

Inspector: “Tell me the type and colour of the car?”

Husband: “A black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0-litre V6 engine generating 333 horsepower teamed with an eight-speed Tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode.

It has full LED headlights, which use light-emitting diodes for all light functions.

It has a very thin scratch on the front left door and then the husband started crying.”

Inspector: “Don’t worry sir, we will find your car!”

A couple is throwing a dinner party and the husband who is very thin and bony is walking around the house wearing only his boxers.

His wife comes out of the kitchen and says,

“Hey, the guests are gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on.”

“Oh no, I won’t,” he says.

“I want everybody to see how you feed your husband…”

“Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that there’s nothing that I should feed you for.”

A neighborhood kid was looking for ways to earn money.

He knocked on the door of one house, and when the man answered the boy asked, “Hey mister, got any odd jobs I can do?”

The man indeed had a job for the boy to do

He handed the boy a can of red paint and a brush.

“Paint my porch.”

The boy was eager to do a good job and the man went back inside.

A couple hours later, the boy knocked on the door again.

“Okay, mister, I'm done painting

But I gotta tell ya, that's not a Porsche, it's a Lamborghini.”

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition’.

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, ‘You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words’.

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said…

‘Paint my house’.

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads:

“Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever”

“Yeah?” she replies.

“When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads:

“Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last”

An Amish man named Smith was injured when he and his horse were struck by a car at a rural intersection

Smith later sued the driver

In court, he was cross-examined by the driver's lawyer:

Lawyer: “Mr

Smith, you've told us all about your injuries

But according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you were not injured at all

Isn't that true?”

Mr

Smith: “Well, I'll tell you…”

The lawyer interrupted: “Just answer the question

Did you not say at the scene of the accident, ‘I'm fine!'.”

Mr

Smith: “Well, yes.”

The lawyer should have quit at that point

However, he went on: “Well then, why are you wasting this court's time and my client's money with this frivolous law suit?”

Mr

Smith: “Let me explain

At the accident, I was thrown out of the carriage and my horse was knocked into the ditch

My leg was broken and I didn't want to move.

I could hear my horse groaning and thrashing and I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked at my horse

He said ‘Looks like she has a broken leg,' and then he took out his gun and shot her.

He then came up to me and asked me how I was doing

Suffering from the same injury as my horse, I of course immediately said ‘I'm fine!'.”

A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer. At one point, he needed to choose and enter a new password.

Something he will use to log on, every time.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife’s attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in,

“p…e…n…i…s.”

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.

An elderly woman hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside:

The elderly woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said.

“I don’t know how to use this.”

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some Help.

Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag.

He got off of his cycle and asked if she needs help?

She said: “Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in the car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?

He said. “Sure.”

He walked over to the car and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said.

“Thank You, God, for sending me such a very nice man.”

The Biker heard her little prayer and replied.

“Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday, I was in prison for car theft.”

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing.

“Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a ‘professional”