A woman appealed to the Governor about getting her husband out of the penitentiary.

“What is he in for?” asked the Governor.

“For stealing a ham,” she replied.

“That doesn’t sound too bad. Is he a good worker?”

“No, I wouldn’t say that. He’s pretty lazy.”

“Oh… well, he’s good to you and the children, isn’t he?”

“No, he’s not. Truth be told, he’s pretty mean to us.”

“Why would you want a man like that out of prison?” the governor asked in disbelief.

“Well, Governor, we’ve been out of ham for quite a spell now.”

A man walked into a Manhattan bar and ordered a glass of white wine.

He took a sip of the wine and then he hurled the rest of the glass into the bartender’s face.

“Oh, I’m really sorry”, he said. “I keep doing that to bartenders. It’s a compulsion and I find it extremely embarrassing.”

The bartender was an amiable fellow and he was sympathetic to the man’s problem, despite the provocation.

As he wiped his face, he suggested the man see an analyst about his problem.

“Hey, another customer of mine is a psychiatrist with an excellent reputation. My brother and my wife both use him and they say he’s the best there is,” said the bartender.

About three months later the man returned to the bar again.

The bartender remembered him immediately. As he poured the man a glass of white wine he said, “Good to see you, buddy. Did you do what I suggested?”

“Yes I certainly did”, said the man. “I’ve been seeing the psychiatrist you recommended for two sessions every week.”

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Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect lake camping and riding trip.

Two days before the group is to leave Rob’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.

Rob’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do?

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

“Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?” they asked.

“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said ‘guess who’?”

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom.

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One day a beggar knocked at the door of a house, and when a woman opened the door, asked her for alms.

“I’ve nothing to give you,” said the woman. “Please go!”

The woman, who was newly married, lived with her mother-in-law. When her mother-in-law heard her refusing alms to the beggar she was furious.

“Who are you to refuse alms to this man!” she demanded. “I’m the mistress of the house!!”

Thus chastened, the daughter-in-law fled to her room.
“Thank you, kind lady,” said the beggar, ingratiatingly.

“All I asked for was a coin to buy food. I did not know she was not the mistress of the house.”

“She’s not!” snapped the woman. “She had no right to refuse you alms. I’m in charge here, and let me tell you something: you’re not getting a paisa from me!!”

And with that, she slammed the door in the beggar’s face.

A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motor-home, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.”We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills.”

Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.

“Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet.”

The social workers are finally satisfied.

They ask, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”

“It doesn’t really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon”

 

There’s a couple that has been dating for a while.

As much as he wants to, she won’t sleep with him, because she’s saving her virginity for marriage.

Just as they were kissing, he was becoming hotter and hotter, and he said,

“Oh come on, just a feeling.”

To which she replies,

“No, I’m saving myself for marriage!”

They went back and forth.

He said, “Just one feel, I promise, that’s all, just one feel.”

She finally agreed, “Okay, just one feel, but that’s all, just one, I’m saving myself for marriage.”

So he puts his hand down her panties and takes a little feel.

Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, “Can’t we please?”

She of course states, “NO, I’m saving myself for marriage.”

He says, “Please, please?” and she says,

“No, absolutely not, I’m saving myself for marriage.”

He says, “How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?”

She says, “No way, I’m saving myself for marriage.”

He begs and pleads with her, “I promise, just the tip, no more,and we’ll stop after that.”

She finally gives in, “Okay, but just the t!p, no more, and that’s all.”

He says okay and pulls down her panties and puts the tip in…

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The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, “Why’d you do that?”

The trooper says, “You’re in Alabama, son.

When I pull you over you’ll have your license ready.”

Driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here.”

The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean.

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.

The passenger rolls his window down...

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Sarah and Abe are out celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary.

During the evening, Sarah broaches the subject of (their) life insurance, an issue she has been raising with him for at least 10 years, without success.

“Abe,” she says, with tears in her eyes, “I don't think you love me.”

“Why do you think that?” he asks.

“Because if you really loved me, you would ensure that if anything happened to you, God forbid, I would be properly provided for.”

“Sarah,” he says angrily, “I need life insurance like I need a hole in the head.”

“I know your views,” says Sarah, “but I've spoken to two of my friends recently and they tell me that their husbands have life insurance —

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