Two old friends met one day after many years.

One attended college, and now was very successful.

The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, “How has everything been going with you?”

“Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I’m as rich as Rockefeller.”

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page.

He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, “Chapter Eleven.”

An older lady was doing some household chores on a beautiful Sunday morning, when she suddenly heard the doorbell ring.

She opened the door to see a well dressed man standing there who said, “Hello, I'm a Jehovah's Witness, do you have a moment to discuss the Holy Word?”

The lady was in a good mood and had just put on a pot of coffee, so she invited the man in and sat down with him at the kitchen table.

When she offered him a cup of coffee, she noticed that the man looked a little lost.

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One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf.

He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday.

He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

“You aren’t going to catch many fish that way,” said the businessman to the fisherman, “you should be working rather than lying on the beach!”

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, “And what will my reward be?”

“Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!” was the businessman’s answer.

“And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, “You will make money and you’ll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!”

“And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman’s questions.

“You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!” he said.

“And then what will my reward be?” repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry.

“Don’t you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!”

Once again the fisherman asked...

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With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled 20 Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties… and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they’ll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, ‘Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.

‘The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.
Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, ‘OK, your Majesty, you may go in.

‘Dolly is outraged and asks...

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A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says:

“You must be a dentist.”

The guy, surprised, says: “Yes …. How did you figure that out?”

“Easy..” she replies, “you keep washing your hands.”

One thing leads to another and they make love.

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The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed.

He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

“What’s the matter? Didn’t I satisfy you when we secure?” he asked.

“It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble,” said the angry woman.

“In your sleep, you felt my melons and mumbled, ‘What perfect headlights.’

Then you felt my thighs and murmured, ‘what a smooth finish.'”

“What’s wrong with that?” asked the driver.

“Nothing, but then you felt my private part and yelled, ‘who the hell left the garage door open?'”

Once upon a time, two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict.

It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch.

Then the long collaboration fell apart.

It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.

One morning there was a knock on John's door

He opened it to find a man with a carpenter's toolbox

“I'm looking for a few days work” he said.

“Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there

Could I help you?” “Yes,” said the older brother.

“I do have a job for you

Look across the creek at that farm

That's my neighbor, in fact, it's my younger brother.

Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us.

Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I'll go him one better

See that pile of lumber curing by the barn? I want you to build me a fence — an 8-foot fence — so I won't need to see his place anymore.”

The carpenter said, “I think I understand the situation

Show me the nails and the post-hole digger and I'll be able to do a job that pleases you.”

The older brother had to go to town for supplies, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day.

The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing, nailing.

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