A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, “Look, it’s not the same hat!” or, “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table,” or “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?”

The magician was furious, but couldn’t do anything.

It was, after all, the captain’s parrot. Then the ship sank.

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A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM.

The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies,

“How am I supposed to know? We’re 200 miles inland!” and hangs up.

Her husband rolls over and asks,

“Sweetheart, who was that?”

“I don’t know, some dumb b!tch asking if the coast is clear.”

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on.

The only problem is that she is a nun.

He decides to approach her anyway.

“Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and I must have lovemaking with you.” he says.

“I’m sorry but I’ve given my body to God” she replies and then leaves.

Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says “I know a way you can get her in the sack.”

The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon.

The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he’s going to get some.

The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest.

When the nun approaches in the darkness he says “Sister, God has told me I must have lovemaking with you.”

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A son took his old father to a restaurant for an evening dinner.

Father being very old and weak, while eating, dropped food on his shirt and trousers.

Other diners watched him in disgust while his son was calm.

After he finished eating, his son who was not at all embarrassed, quietly took him to the washroom,

wiped the food particles, removed the stains, combed his hair and fitted his spectacles firmly.

When they came out, the entire restaurant was watching them in dead silence,

not able to grasp how someone could embarrass themselves publicly like that.

The son settled the bill and started walking out with his father.

At that time, an old man amongst the diners called out to the son and asked him,

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When the manager of a men’s clothing store returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said.

“I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had for so long!”

“Do you mean that repulsive, pink-and-blue, double-breasted thing?!” the manager asked.

“That’s the one!”

“That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity!

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A man goes to get his salary cheque and when he opens it he discovers that his employer has overpaid him by £2000.

He decides not to tell anybody and keeps quiet.

At the end of the following month when he opens the cheque, he sees that he’s been underpaid by £2000.

Fuming, he goes to have it out with his employer.

“Sir, I think you’ve made a mistake on my cheque.”

“And how do you figure that?” his employer asks.

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A woman was taking an afternoon nap.

When she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace.

What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight,” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I asked.

“No, I don't waste time fishing,” the homeless man said

“I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” I asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man

“I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!”

“Well,” I said, “I'm not going to give you money

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