The local animal shelter knows he has a dog and they think that this could be their way into his wallet.

They go to his door and he answers, “What do you want?”

One of the ladies replies, “Hello Mr

Smith.  We know you are very wealthy and we know you also never give to charity.  Wouldn't you enjoy giving back to an organization that helps dogs much like your own?”

The lawyer looks her dead in the eye and replies, “Do you also know that both of my parents are suffering life-threatening illnesses and have medical bills several times their own income?”

The lady, taken back, replies, “Well.

No… I thought…”

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A man goes into his favorite bar and sees a jar of money on the counter with the word “win” printed on it.

 

“What’s this about?” he asks the bartender.

 

“That’s our monthly contest. You put in a $20 entry fee and then perform the three acts. If you complete all three successfully you win the pot.”

 

“Cool,” he says. “What are the three acts?”

 

“Well, first, you have to sucker-punch the bouncer,” says the bartender, pointing to a man by the door who is the size of a house. “Then if you’re still okay, we have a pit bull downstairs with an abscessed tooth. You have to pull it out with your bare hands.”

 

“So far I’m not liking this,” says the man. “But I’ll bite. What’s the third act?”

 

“See old Mrs. Jennings down there?” asks the bartender, pointing to an old lady at the end of the bar with warts on her face. “She hasn’t had sex in a long time.”

 

“You know what, I’m good,” says the guy. “Just bring me my usual.”

 

As the night goes on, one drink becomes many, and the guy decides he’s feeling pretty brave. “Aw, what the heck,” he thinks, and plops a $20 in the jar and heads over to the bouncer, punching him in the jaw as hard as he can.

 

The bouncer crumples to the floor ...

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A man boarded an air plane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.”

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about .”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers...

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A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”

The guy, surprised, says “Yes! How did you figure that out?”

“Easy,” she replied, “you keep washing your hands.”

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they have done, the girl says, “You must be a good dentist.”

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Sure, I’m a good dentist, How did you figure that out?”

“Didn’t feel a thing!”

New Joke : Sarah was reading a newspaper

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine.

Suddenly, she burst out laughing.

“Listen to this,” she said.

“There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.”

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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze...

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Sally walked in to the Dentist office to make an appointment.

“How much do you charge to pull out a tooth?” she asked.”

“It’s $130”, was the prompt reply.

“$130!” gasped Sally, that’s ridiculous!

There must be a way for you to go cheaper.

“Well,” said the Dentist thoughtfully, I suppose if we don’t numb it, we could knock off $30.

“Only $30?,” countered Sally, “that’s still $100, you’ve got to make it cheaper.”

“Well,” said the Dentist after a long pause, “I suppose if we take it out with a wrench we could knock it down to $50.”

“Perfect”, said Sally happily. “I would like to make an appointment for next Tuesday, for my husband Jack.”

New Joke : A widowed Jewish lady

A widowed Jewish lady, still in very good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach near Tel Aviv.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him...

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Here I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. “Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly,

I looked at him with a smirk and said, “Well, first of all, I didn’t know they were serving liquid courage here tonight.” The bar erupted in laughter, and even the tough biker couldn’t help but crack a smile.

Undeterred, he leaned in and said, “You got a lot of guts, pal. What’s your name?”

I extended my hand for a handshake and replied, “They call me ChuckleMaster, the fearless guardian of empty glasses. Now, what’s your poison, tough guy?”

He chuckled and pointed to the bartender for another round. As the drinks arrived, I proposed a toast, “To unexpected friendships and the generosity of strangers.”

The biker raised his glass, and the tension in the air dissipated. We spent the next few hours swapping stories, from his wild adventures on the road to my misadventures in the world of dad jokes. Turns out, this biker had a soft spot for humor, and we found ourselves laughing like old friends.

Suddenly, a quirky idea struck me. “How about a dance-off to determine who truly rules this bar?” I suggested, pointing to the makeshift dance floor.

The biker grinned, accepting the challenge. The bar’s atmosphere shifted from tense to lively as we busted out our best dance moves, much to the amusement of the onlookers. It turned out the menacing biker had some surprisingly smooth moves, and we soon had the entire place cheering and clapping.

As the night wore on, we discovered a shared love for karaoke. We took the stage, belting out a hilarious duet of a classic rock ballad...

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A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.  Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.  Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man raised his eyebrows.  He'd never seen anything like it – two hearses and hundreds of men walking in line – and after a while his curiosity got the better of him.

He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this.  Whose funeral is it?”

“My wife's.”

”I see, my condolences.  What happened to her?”

“She yelled at me, and suddenly my dog attacked and killed her.”

He inquired further, “Ah

And who is in the second hearse?”

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