A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan.

Realising he needed a haircut before the next day’s meeting he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

“I’m afraid not, sir,”

the clerk told him apologetically,

“but down the hall from your room is a robot vending machine that should serve your purposes.”

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl.

Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,

“Manicures, $20.00”.

“Why not?” thought the salesman.

He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl.

Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read,

“This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 0.50 Cents.”

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly...

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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?” The Irishman said, “Well, “Well, Father, I was tempted and found myself in a situation where it could have happened, but at the last moment, I resisted the temptation.”The priest, intrigued by the honesty of the confession, nodded and encouraged the man to continue. The Irishman continued, “You see, Father, I was away on a business trip, and one evening, a colleague and I went out for dinner. We ended up at a charming little pub, and as the night went on, the conversation became more personal.”

The priest, sensing the weight of the confession, listened attentively. The Irishman continued, “I could feel a connection with this woman, Father. We laughed, shared stories, and I admit, the atmosphere was quite intoxicating. As the night progressed, she suggested we go for a walk by the river, and that’s when I knew I was at a crossroads.”

The priest nodded knowingly, encouraging the man to express his feelings. The Irishman confessed, “I was torn, Father. Part of me wanted to give in to the temptation, the thrill of something new and exciting. But deep down, I knew it was wrong. I thought about my wife, my marriage, and the vows I had taken.”

The priest, understanding the internal struggle, reassured him, “It’s commendable that you resisted, my son. Temptations are a part of life, but it’s how we respond to them that defines us.”

The Irishman sighed in relief, “I’m grateful for your understanding, Father. I felt this overwhelming guilt and had to confess. I love my wife...

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A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a supermarket.

She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticised everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, “Just a stupid can of peaches.”

The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, “I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store.”

The judge asked how many peach pieces were in the can.

She replied in a nasty tone, “Nine! But why do you care about that?”

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While he was staying there he went drinking at a nearby pub and was enjoying a performance that was going on.

It featured a band playing some songs and a singing bird like creature with many legs who was the stars of the show.

After the show was over the man enjoyed the performance so much he wanted to give a tip them and to also fond out what the stance creature was but unfortunately no one knew he had no change.

So rushed across the street to the ATM to get some cash. But by the time he returned the band and creature was gone.

Disappointed that he could not give them a tip he asked the people near by of the performance will return.

They told him that unfortunately...

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Jill and John got married.

John thought this would be a “marriage of the 90’s” equal roles for equal partners.

So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed.

Jill wasn’t impressed with his culinary skills, however.

She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, “Poached? I wanted scrambled!”

Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg.

Jill wasn’t having any of it.

“Do you think I don’t like variety? I wanted poached this morning!”

Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, “third time’s a charm” and brought her two eggs one scrambled and one poached.”Here, my love, enjoy!”

Jill looks at the plate and says, “You scrambled the wrong egg.”

New Joke : A bunch are sitting around in prison

One guy shouts, “Six-hundred and eighty-eighty!” Everyone bursts into laughter.

As the laughter’s dying down, another guy shouts, “Eleven-hundred and twelve!”

Uncontrollable laughter. Another guy chimes in with, “Three hundred and forty-five!”

Everyone doubles over...

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The old man looked up from the menu, his eyes widening slightly as he took in the sight of the waitress before him. She was indeed striking, with her radiant smile and the way her uniform hugged her curves. Clearing his throat, he tried to focus on the menu in front of him.

“I’ll have the… uh, the chicken parmesan, please,” he finally managed to say, his voice a bit shaky.

“Excellent choice,” the waitress replied with a wink, scribbling down his order on her notepad before sauntering off to the kitchen.

As he waited for his food, the old man couldn’t help but reflect on his life. He had been married once, long ago, to a woman who had been the love of his life. But she had passed away many years ago, leaving him alone in the world. Since then, he had grown accustomed to his solitude, finding comfort in the routines of his daily life.

But sitting in that restaurant, surrounded by the hustle and bustle of the busy dining room, he couldn’t shake the feeling of loneliness that gnawed at him. It had been so long since he had felt the warmth of another person’s touch, since he had heard the sound of laughter filling a room.

Lost in his thoughts, he didn’t notice when the waitress returned with his food, setting it down in front of him with a smile. “Here you go, sir. Is there anything else I can get for you?” she asked, her voice soft and inviting.

The old man looked up at her, suddenly struck by the kindness in her eyes. “Actually, there is something,” he said slowly, his heart pounding in his chest. “Would you… would you like to sit and talk with me for a while? I could use some company.”

The waitress hesitated for a moment, glancing around the busy restaurant before nodding. “Sure, why not? I’ve got a few minutes to spare.”

And so, the two of them sat together at the table, chatting about everything and nothing as the hours slipped by. The old man learned that her name was Emily and that she was working at the restaurant to save up money for college. She, in turn, listened intently as he shared stories from his own life...

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A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you’re not around.

In fact, more than you.

I’m not getting it at home, but that’s no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.

Bob, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn auto correct. I meant “wife”, not “wife”

New Jokes : A woman arrived at the Gates

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates and saw a beautiful banquet table.

Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her...

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Dan married one of a pair of identical twins. Less then a
year later he was in court filing for divorce.

"Tell the court why you want a divorce," the judge said.

"Well, Your Honor," Dan started, "every once in a while my
sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she
and my wife are identical twins, sometimes I'd end up making
love to her by mistake."

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