One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.

His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

“Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it

It only costs $10.”

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.

Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.

After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water

Avoid heavy lifting

It will be better in two weeks.”

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.

He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.

To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

“Your tap water is too hard

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A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer.

I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say,” “And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

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Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a ‘drop dead gorgeous’ topless blonde came walking straight towards them.

They couldn’t help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said

‘Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,’ nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned.

How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

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A woman comes home and hears a strange noise coming from her daughter’s room. She opens the door and catches her daughter trying to disguise a small, stray kitten she had found earlier that day. The room was filled with an assortment of makeshift costumes, fabrics, and accessories scattered across the floor. Startled by her mother’s sudden entrance, the young girl, named Emily, froze in the middle of wrapping a tiny tutu around the feline.”Emily, what on earth are you doing?” her mother, Sarah, exclaimed, a mix of surprise and confusion etched across her face.

Emily, wide-eyed and guilty, stammered, “Mom, meet Mr. Whiskers! I found him outside, and he looked so lonely. I thought he needed a disguise to stay with us!”

Sarah couldn’t help but chuckle at the sight of the kitten, adorned with a mismatched ensemble of miniature hats and scarves. She softened her expression and crouched down to Emily’s eye level.

“Well, Mr. Whiskers is quite the fashionista now, isn’t he?” Sarah said with a smile. “But sweetie, we can’t just keep him without figuring out if he belongs to someone else.”

Emily’s excitement dimmed a bit, but she nodded in understanding. Together, they decided to take Mr. Whiskers to the local animal shelter the next day to check for a possible owner. In the meantime, they set up a cozy corner in Emily’s room with a small bed and some toys for their temporary feline friend.

As they prepared to leave for the shelter the following morning, Emily couldn’t help but feel a bond forming with Mr. Whiskers. The prospect of saying goodbye saddened her, but she knew it was the right thing to do.

At the shelter, they discovered that Mr. Whiskers didn’t have a microchip, and no one had reported a missing kitten matching his description. Emily hesitated but finally agreed to leave Mr. Whiskers in the care of the shelter, knowing they would do their best to find him a loving home

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A long-haired blonde goes into a hair salon. She wants to get her hair cut. The hairdresser asks her to take off the headphones, but the blonde refuses. The air in the bustling hair salon was filled with the low hum of hairdryers and the soft chit-chat of stylists and clients. Among the lively atmosphere, a long-haired blonde walked in, her headphones firmly in place, seemingly oblivious to the world around her. She approached the reception desk with a determined look on her face, signaling that she was there for a haircut.

The receptionist, a friendly woman with a bright smile, greeted her, “Hello there! Welcome to Trendy Tresses Salon. How can we help you today?” The blonde gestured to her long locks and replied, “I need a haircut, something fresh and new.” The receptionist nodded in understanding, “Of course! I’ll let one of our talented stylists know you’re here. Could you please remove your headphones so they can discuss your preferences with you?” The blonde hesitated for a moment, looking down at her headphones as if they held the key to her sanity. With a subtle shake of her head, she firmly said, “No, I prefer to keep them on. Just make sure they understand I want a change, something stylish and modern.”

The receptionist raised an eyebrow but decided not to push the issue. She informed the stylist, Lily, about the blonde’s request and handed her a card with the client’s preferences. Lily, a confident and skilled stylist with a flair for creativity, approached the blonde with a friendly smile. “Hi there! I’m Lily, and I’ll be taking care of you today. I heard you’re looking for a fresh and modern cut. Any specific ideas in mind?” The blonde, still immersed in her world of music, pointed to a picture in a magazine without removing her headphones. Lily glanced at the picture, nodding in understanding, and then motioned for the blonde to take a seat in the styling chair

As Lily began to work her magic, the blonde remained engrossed in her music, seemingly unfazed by the scissors and hair falling around her. The other stylists and clients exchanged curious glances, impressed by Lily’s ability to create a stylish haircut without much input from the client. 

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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. “Oh, I really  enjoyed it!” she exclaimed with a big smile. “But I don’t understand why they were throwing the ball back and forth so much. It seems like they couldn’t decide who should keep it!”Her boyfriend chuckled, realizing she was talking about the passes between players on the field. He decided to enlighten her a bit about the game. “Well, babe, that’s called passing. It’s a way for the team to move the ball down the field and hopefully score points by getting it into the opponent’s end zone.”

Her eyes widened with understanding, and she nodded. “Oh, I see! It’s like a really intense game of catch!”

He couldn’t help but laugh at her innocent interpretation. “Exactly! And did you notice when they scored a touchdown and everyone started jumping up and down, cheering?”

She nodded again, recalling the exciting moment. “Yes! It was like a big celebration. I guess they really like winning at catch!”

He smiled, appreciating her unique perspective on the game. As they left the stadium, he decided to make the experience even more memorable for her. “How about we grab some dinner at that sports bar we passed by earlier? We can watch the highlights and you can learn more about the game.”

She agreed, excitedly following him to the sports bar. Over dinner, he explained the rules, the positions, and the strategies involved in football. She listened attentively, absorbing the information like a sponge. By the end of the night, she surprised him with her newfound knowledge, even asking questions about specific plays.

As they left the sports bar...

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A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding… Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your driver’s license, please?The mature lady, slightly flustered, fumbles through her purse to retrieve her license. She hands it over to the officer, who takes a moment to examine it. As he does, the woman tries to make light of the situation, offering a sheepish smile.

Officer: (looking at the license) Thank you, ma’am. I’ll be right back.

He walks back to his patrol car, leaving the older woman sitting alone in her car, contemplating her actions. After what feels like an eternity, the officer returns, holding a small piece of paper.

Officer: Ma’am, I’ve issued you a warning this time. Please be more mindful of the speed limit.

Older Woman: (sincerely) Thank you, Officer. I appreciate your understanding.

As the officer starts to walk away, the woman can’t help but strike up a conversation.

Older Woman: You know, I’ve never been pulled over before. This is a first for me.

Officer: (smiling) Well, hopefully, it’s the last time too. Just take it easy on the roads.

Older Woman: (nodding) I will, Officer. Thank you again.

The officer tips his hat and returns to his patrol car...

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While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

A very attractive female golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:

“Are you okay?”

“I’m okay, thanks,” I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

“Why don’t you come up to my villa, rest for a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”

I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.

“That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”

“Oh, come on now”, she insisted.

She was so pretty and very, very persuasive. I was weak …

“Well, okay,” I finally agreed...

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