A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, “You can’t take it with you.”

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases.

He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.

His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

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John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said,

“Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary,

“I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled jeeringly and said,

“John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

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She asked him, “How much are you selling the eggs for?” 2″ The old seller replied, “$0.25 an egg, Madam.” She said to him, “I will take 6 eggs for $1.25 or I ” will leave.” The old seller replied, “Come on, Madam, you drive a hard bargain, but I can’t let you leave empty-handed. 6 eggs for $1.25 it is.” The elderly man carefully gathered six brown eggs and handed them over to the determined customer. As she tucked the eggs into a small basket, a smile played on her lips.

Curiosity got the better of her, and she inquired, “Why are your eggs so reasonably priced compared to the market, sir?”

The old seller chuckled, his eyes crinkling with years of wisdom. “Well, Madam, it’s simple. I believe everyone should have access to good, affordable food. I may not make much profit, but seeing folks leave with a smile is worth more than gold to me.”

Impressed by his sincerity, she nodded appreciatively. “That’s a noble philosophy. I wish more people thought like you.”

As she turned to leave, the old seller spoke up again, “Wait, Madam, since you appreciate fairness, let me give you a little extra. Take this,” he said, handing her a small, vibrant bouquet of wildflowers. “On the house. Consider it a gesture of gratitude for supporting my humble business.”

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A man was sick and tired of going to work everyday while his wife stayed at home; he wanted his wife to see what he goes through and so he prayed;

“Dear Lord, I go to work all day and put in eight hours while my wife stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please switch her body to mine for a day, as I take hers.

So God in His own infinite wisdom granted the man’s wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He cooked breakfast, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them, packed their lunch, took them to school, came back home, picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners, went grocery shopping, got home and put away the groceries, cleaned the cat’s little box and bathed the dog.

By then it was already 1:00pm.

He quickly went to make the bed, do the laundry, swept and mop the floor, ran to school to pick up the kids, got into an argument with one of them, set out milk and cookies and got the kids organised to do their home work.

He then set the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4.30pm, he began peeling potatoes and washed the vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chop and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen...

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An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.

The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired holding hands, they walked back to their old school.

It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.

Sally said, Finders keepers.

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers ...

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A man was in a bad accident and was injured.

But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious.

However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.

It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm.

But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.

The last question of the interview was always the same.

“Do you notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the first candidate.

“Yes. You have no ears.”

He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

“Do you notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the second candidate.

“Yes. You have no ears.”

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“I'm not going to cite you,” said the officer, “I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous.”

“I thank thee,” said the Amish lady, “I shall have my husband repair it as soon as we return home.”

“Also,” said the officer, “I noticed that one of the reins to your horse is tied around your horse's testicles.  Some might consider this to be ‘cruelty to animals' so you'd best have your husband check this, too.”

“Again I thank thee,” said the Amish lady, “I shall have my husband check this also when I return home.”

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The bartender says, “Let me see and I'll consider it.”

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out “Chopsticks”, the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock and roll.

After a few minutes the bartender says, “Okay, I am impressed

You can drink for free tonight.”

As the bartender is pouring the guy a drink, the guy says, “Hey, if I show you something even more amazing, will you let me drink for free for a month?”

The bartender says, “Okay, but this had better be pretty spectacular.”

So the guy reaches into his bag again and pulls out a microphone and a frog

The frog sits in front of the microphone and begins singing along with the hamster playing the piano.

The bartender says, “Okay, I'm impressed

You can drink here for free for a month.”

As all of this has been going on, another customer at the end of the bar has been watching

He walks over and says, “I'm a theater producer, and I'd like to buy that frog and put him in a show

Will you sell it to me for $500?”

The guy says no.

“$1,000?”

The guy still refuses.

“Okay, will you sell me the frog for $5,000?”

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