Dec 25

My dearest darling Edward,

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.

Your deeply loving,

Emily.

 

Dec 26

Beloved Edward,

The two turtle doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear tree as I write. I’m so touched and grateful!

With undying love, as always,

Emily.

 

Dec 27

My darling Edward,

You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It’s a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we’ll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they’re lovely.

Your devoted Emily.

 

Dec 28

Dearest Edward,

What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly – they make telephoning almost impossible – but I expect they’ll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I’m very grateful, of course I am.

Love from Emily.

 

Dec 29

Dearest Edward,

The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I’m afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to “wring” their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she’s only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.

Bless you,

Emily.

 

Dec 30

Dear Edward,

Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn’t six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly...

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A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client…

… and said to him, “Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”

The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million.  I think she could be right.”

Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done!  My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!  You’ve just made my day.  Now I know I can handle the bad news.  What is it?”

The attorney replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

 New Joke : The police were called to a female gym

The police were called to a female gym.

 

The female manager ran out to greet the two male officers as they exited their vehicle.

 

“Please, come quickly.” She said in horror...

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A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:

“Bob, I’m sorry. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess:”

“I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you. It’s been so incredible and fun, I’ve not been able to stop myself. Sometimes it goes on for hours and hours.”

“I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home. I can’t live with the guilt any longer. I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology. It won’t happen again.”

Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.

Moments later the guy gets a second text:

“Bloomin’ auto-correct, it’ll be the death of me! I meant to say ‘wifi'”

New Joke : A 50-year-old lady started swim

A 50-year-old lady, who suddenly started learning how to swim instead of her usual routine work of going to a Church !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her:

“why the change in your interest in swimming nowadays?”

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Two statues were standing in the park, one, a nude man and one, a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.”

He looks at her.  She looks at him.  They go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. 

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

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After thirty years of marriage a husband and wife go for counselling.

 

When asked what the problem is, the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on she goes: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable— an entire laundry list of unmet needs she has endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks around the desk, and after asking the wife to stand, he embraces and kisses her long and passionately as her husband watches with a raised eyebrow.

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A doctor and lawyer are talking at a party.

 

Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

 After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replies the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills.

When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.

New Joke : Once upon a time there was a little girl

Once upon a time there was a little girl and one day her mommy decided it was time for her to learn how to cook sausages.

So she explains, slowly and patiently:”You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, and then add the sausages.

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A fellow walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter, filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, ‘What’s with the money in the jar?’

‘Well… you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.’

The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up.  And so he asks, ‘What are the three tests?’

‘You must pay first.  Those are the rules,’ says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

‘Okay,’ the bartender says, ‘Here’s what you need to do:

First – You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can’t make a face while doing it.

Second – There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.  You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third – There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex… You have to take care of that problem!’

The man is stunned.

‘I know I paid my $10, but I’m not an idiot!  I won’t do it!  You’d have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things…’

‘Your call,’ says the bartender… ‘But, your money stays where it is.’

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, ‘Where’s the damn tequila?’

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Every day, there is a man who sits in the corner booth at a penthouse bar.

One particular day, a young man comes in through the door.

Feeling lucky, he exclaims, “I am feeling lucky, I’ll take anyone’s bet.”

The young man in the corner stands up, finishes his scotch, and staggers over to the young man.

“I’ll bet you that I can jump out of this window and then walk down from the roof access. Fifty bucks.”

“You’ve got a deal mister.”

He proceeds to jump out of the window, only to a few seconds later walk in from the roof access.

The young man is flabbergasted and hands over the $50. “Hundred bucks says you can’t do it again.”

And the other man proceeds to jump out of the window, and then again walks in from the roof.

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