A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.

She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: “Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?”

“Of course my child, What can I do for you?”

“Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money.

I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs.

Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?”

“Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie.”

“You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions”, and she gave him the ‘hair remover’.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked...

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A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple’s house.

She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

 

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.

“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.

 

“Love dress? But you’re naked!”

“Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy.

 

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress.

When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home...

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But then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.  Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and made love his way with me two times!”

 

Dorothy: “Goodness gracious!… so you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?”

 

Edna: “No, no, no… I’m just saying, wear an old dress.”

New Joke : The old man was fishing in a puddle outside the pub

The rain was pouring down outside O’Connor’s Irish Pub.

 

There, standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

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In Mexico City, the 200 meter final was run

American (black) athletes Tommie Smith and John Carlos came first and third, while Australian (white) Peter Norman won the second.

While they were waiting for the medal ceremony, Carlos came to Peter Norman and asked;

─ Do you believe in human rights?

─ Yes, I believe.

What about God?

─ With all my heart…

On top of that, the two black athletes announced the action plan on their heads, Norman participated without hesitation; I will support your action, tell me what to do!

For the first time, two young men were planning a great provocation or even a revolutionary action for those days: They would protest racial discrimination in America and poverty and second-class citizenship … But how?

The idea comes from Norman: they have found a pair of black leather gloves, the right one in Tommie, the left one in John's hands;

They have gone to the rostrum with bare feet to symbolize poverty, their heads have tilted forward with grief, they have raised their clenched fists in the air.

The white athlete Peter Norman, who stands in front of them, was also pinning the heart of the ‘Olympic Project Movement for Human Rights' smell on his heart to show his solidarity.

While playing the American national anthem, the plan has been executed and action has been taken.

And of course, the world was coming together

America stands up

Even the Olympics are in the shade, world newspapers show the photo of black athletes punch in the air from the first page …

The American Olympic Committee ends the sports career of the two black people that second

The action has reached its goal, the situation of the black minority in America has entered the world agenda.

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A woman had twin babies and fell asleep immediately after.

 

A couple of weeks later she finally wakes up and asks the doctor, “Where is my baby?!”

The doctor replies, “They are both fine, you have a beautiful boy and girl.

Your husband went back to work and you were out so long that your brother named them.”

The woman looked concerned, as her brother wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.  “Oh no.  What did he name them?” 

“He named the girl Denise,” The doctor replies.

The woman, relieved, “Well, that’s not so bad.  What about the boy?”

“Denephew.”

New Joke : A man took his pregnant wife to hospital

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital.

The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery.

He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure.

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An Irishman has been shipwrecked and stranded on an island for over 20 years.

One day, on his daily walk of the beach, he sees something way out in the ocean.  At first he couldn’t make out what it was, as it got closer, he could see something red.

Finally, it was close enough to determine that the red was actually the hair of a woman. A very pretty dame in her 20s.

When she arrived on shore she was surprised to find anyone there, as this is a very remote island.

She walks up to the Irishman and asks him how he got there.  He says “I haven’t seen another soul in over 20 years since I was shipwrecked and stranded here.”

She says, “20 years you say? Well, that’s a long time to go without a drink”, she pulls down her wetsuit zipper a bit, reaches in and pulls out a bottle of Irish whiskey.  “How would you like a drink?”

He obliges and takes a couple of swallows.  “Bless your heart, that’s the best tasting whiskey I’ve had in me whole life.”

She says, “It’s been a long time since you’ve had a smoke, would you like a cigarette?”

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The population of this country is 327 million.

76 million are retired.

That leaves 251 million to do the work.

There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.

Which leaves 203 million to do the work.

There are 74 million children younger than 6.

Which leaves 129 million to do the work.

There are 95.2 million children and young adults in school.

Which leaves 33.8 million to do the work.

At any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation.

Which leaves 29.8 million to do the work.

Of this there are 15 million employed by the federal government, not including the military.

Leaving 14.8 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea and the Middle East.

Which leaves 12 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.

And that leaves 1.2 million to do the work.

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A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It’s obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, Albert, we won’t be long – easy, boy.”

Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, “It’s okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there boy.”

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again, in a controlled voice, is saying, “Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert.”

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