Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,

“Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV,

but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,

but I’m sleeping with a 50 year old woman.

It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde,

and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl

wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women

that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying,

“I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.

Please keep your photo and return the others.”

New Joke : Two really large women came in a bar

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”

So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

That’s about as far as I remember.

 

A few months after his parents were divorced,

little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, ”

I need a man, I need a man!”

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning.

When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes,

threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning,

“Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.

‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.

‘Put them back, we can’t afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.

‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.’

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.

He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,

“I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?”

The blonde said, “I want 25 gallons.

I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”

The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”

The blonde said, “No, just up to my b**bs.

I can splash it on my eyes.”

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,

“Where did you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replied,”Well, I was walking along yesterday

minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.

She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”

The second engineer nodded approvingly.

“Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

 After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling.

They had been at each other’s throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

“What seems to be the problem?”

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say.

In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down.

Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

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A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge,

so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,

“What are you doing?” “I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.

While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks,

“Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”

She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she’s finished, the tough, hairy biker says,

“Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had!

That’s a real talent you’re wasting.

You could be famous.

Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl

New Joke : Every spring mountain woman comes to doctor

Every spring, as soon as the snows thawed, a certain mountain woman would come down into town,

have a baby and gather supplies for the summer.

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